


Vicarious Slice

by caraluques



Category: Comic Girls (Anime)
Genre: Acceptance, Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Transphobia, Nonbinary Character, Other, Romance, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:15:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24594397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caraluques/pseuds/caraluques
Summary: Kaos' first real piece of fan mail gets her thinking about some uncomfortable feelings, and how they might change her relationships and her work.
Relationships: Irokawa Ruki/Moeta Kaoruko, Katsuki Tsubasa/Koizuka Koyume
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	1. Ordinary Girl

Kaos’ eyes were half-lidded, reflecting flashes of colour from the television screen. Her chin in her hands, she watched the animated girls with an expression that had been intensely studious several hours ago, but now looked as though she was barely paying attention. Behind her, two pens scratched at paper and a third was being tapped against the desk as Koyume sat in thought. Kaos hid a yawn and scooted a bit further back from the screen, her strained eyes blinking at the brightness. A second yawn slipped out moments later, bringing with it an involuntary squeak.

Glancing aside from her manuscript, Ruki asked, “Any luck, Kaos?” The girl on the floor tiredly shook her head and Ruki gave a sympathetic smile. She set down her pen and kneeled next to Kaos, squinting at the screen. “Do you want to take a break? You’ll hurt your eyes staring at this,” Ruki said with concern. The show was a saccharine mess of bright and cheerful colours – perfect for Kaos’ personality, terrible for the state of her eyesight.

Kaos moved her head in a motion that could have been either a nod or a shake, then toppled over backwards like a stuffed animal. She lay on the carpet and sighed resignedly. For the past few days since her last rejection, Kaos had been obsessively watching anime in search of inspiration. “You don’t want to just copy what’s already been done,” Tsubasa had said, “but borrowing ideas can be a good starting point.” Yet after three consecutive days of binge-watching, all Kaos had to show for herself were a few uncertain manuscripts she’d given up on as quickly as she’d started. She doubted she could even name many of the characters from the various show she’d consumed, they’d begun to blend together into a cute and indecipherable mass.

“My brain is emptyyy,” Kaos whined, her hair spilled out across the carpet. “I don’t know anything anymore…”

Ruki switched of the television and pulled Kaos up into a sitting position. The poor girl looked unfit to stand just yet, if anything she needed to lay in bed. “You’ve done all you can for today, Kaos,” Tsubasa said, turning from her desk with ink on her cheek and a fist clenched in passion. “Sleep brings about dreams, and dreams can be moulded into fresh ideas. You need only rest to find yourself ready to write again.”

Ruki looked up, her hand supporting Kaos’ back. “You’re hardly one to talk, this is your second consecutive night,” she reminded Tsubasa. She agreed that Kaos should go to bed, of course, but it was rich coming from Tsubasa.

Turning back to her desk, Tsubasa replied, “It’s yours, too.”

“We’re all hypocrites!” Koyume interjected, bearing an oddly contorted expression owing to the sour candy in her mouth.

Kaos giggled sleepily and rose to her feet, Ruki holding out her arms to catch her. “I’m gonna… go bed…” Kaos said, taking a few wobbly steps towards the door. The small girl had watery eyes, either from exhaustion or unshed tears, it was hard to tell. Ruki followed and held on to her arm.

“Good idea. I might sleep soon too, my deadline isn’t for another week yet,” Ruki said. She turned back to the others. “Do you know when you’ll both be finished?”

“Another hour at least,” Tsubasa replied.

“A-also! An hour!” Koyume said, glancing at her friend.

“Alright, just don’t stay up too late,” said Ruki, leading Kaos to the door. Before they could reach it, the door opened to reveal the housemother balancing a small stack of envelopes under one arm.

“Ah, you’re up!” Ririka said with Nyaos on her heels. “You’ve all got a bit of fan mail, I’d forgotten to let you know earlier. Is this a bad time?”

Some of the sleep left Kaos’ expression as she eyed the handful of envelopes. “All of us?” she inquired. Rubbing her eye, she let Ruki lead her to sit on her bed so the housemother could come in.

“It seems so,” said Ririka, shuffling the envelopes. “Let’s see, there’s two for Tsubasa and Ruki,” she handed them out, “and one each for yourself and Koyume.” Once the letters were handed out, the housemother left with a small bow.

Confusion and joy battled in Kaos’ head. She’d not published anything new in months, why would she be getting fan mail now? Why would so poor a mangaka as herself get fan mail at all? The last and only time she’d received fan mail, it had been sent by one of the kind old ladies back home, written in a somewhat patronising but ultimately uplifting tone. Her confusion ebbed away as she read her own name on the envelope. Kaos would recognise the handwriting anywhere.

Her own mother was sending her fan mail in an attempt to lift her spirits. And after she’d begun to get excited, too.

Kaos flopped back on Ruki’s bed and let out an almighty sigh, making the other girl turn to her and tilt her head. “Is everything alright?”

Opening the envelope unenthusiastically, Kaos took out the letter and showed the envelope to Ruki. “It’s just from my mom. I still don’t have any fans.” She bore a pleading expression, as though begging Ruki to magically make her popular.

“Ah…” Ruki said faintly. “Well, it’s still nice to get support from your family! Not all of your fans have to be strangers.” She knew her reassurance was weak at best but faced with Kaos’ glum demeanour, she at least had to try.

Kaos sat back up to better read the letter. “Yeah… it’s nice of her, at least,” she admitted.

Her brow creased as she read the first line, and Kaos read it a second time, slowly, to confirm what she’d seen.

 _Dear Kaos,_ it began with unfamiliar lettering. Kaos took another look at the envelope and held it beside the letter. Both renditions of her name looked similar but different, the letter’s careful and elegant text contrasting her mother’s simpler handwriting.

_I don’t know if you remember me, especially under this name, but hi, it’s Tsugumi from next-door. Short red hair? Kind of tall? I wanted to thank you for your manga._

Tired pink eyes grew wide as she read on.

_This is a bit embarrassing to admit, but just before you moved away, you kind of inspired me. I was always too shy to say it, but I really admired what you were doing. You were much braver than me. To ~~reinvent~~ embrace yourself as a girl must have been really hard! I’m scared to say this, but seeing you change made me think about things I’d never even considered. It took a little while, but I ended up figuring out that I wanted the same. I really want to be a girl, and I don’t think I would have realised that if I didn’t know you._

_Or, at least, I wouldn’t have realised as soon. That’s what I really want to thank you for. I wish I’d figured it out sooner like you, I’m scared I’ve missed a lot of experiences by not being true to myself until now. I haven’t mentioned any of this to my parents, I get the feeling they won’t approve. That’s why I asked your mom if she could send this letter – my parents might have asked questions if I tried sending it myself._

_When your mom gave me a copy of your manga, it gave me this weird kind of comfort. I want so badly to be like one of those cute girls and have those kinds of experiences you write about, and I don’t think I can just yet. But reading your manga let me experience those things vicariously, if that makes sense? It’s like an escape from my real life. I’ve read it over and over and selfishly, I’d love more. I hope you continue to make things like this, Kaos, you’re really good at it and I want you to know how much it helps. (No pressure!!)_

_Thanks again,_

_Tsugumi_

The paper rustled and creased in her tightening grip. It grew damp in splotches and Kaos frowned, rubbing at her eyes before they made the ink run. Busy blushing at the praise in her own pair of letters, Ruki didn’t notice until Kaos let out a small hiccup.

“Kaos?” she said, setting her mail aside. “Are you alright?” Ruki leaned in closer and Kaos startled, folding the letter in half and trying for a smile. She ended up with an odd, unreadable expression that did little to quell Ruki’s concerns.

“I’m fine!” she exclaimed. She let out a watery laugh. “Mom’s just… she’s really supportive. I think I’m a bit too tired, it’s getting to me…”

Koyume and Tsubasa turned from their own letters, the former looking excited and the latter calmly pleased. They both adopted a look of confusion when looking at Kaos’ face but accepted her explanation.

“Aww, Kaos, your mom sounds so nice!” Koyume said. Tsubasa simply gave a small smile.

“Yeah! I do kinda wish it had been a fan though,” Kaos replied, wiping her eyes and placing the letter back in its envelope. “What did your letters say?”

Kaos listened kindly as her friends described their praise. One of Ruki’s letters had been a bit much for her to handle, the other was more restrained. Koyume’s letter praised the art of her recent manga while bemoaning the love interest’s apparent lack of charm. “To each their own,” Tsubasa said, blissfully unaware that she was essentially defending herself. The shōnen writer’s own letters had been positively glowing and she accepted their praise with a small, content smile. Since she recently added a mailing address to her manga's website, she'd finally begun receiving fan mail of her own, and thankfully nobody had yet questioned why her address was a dorm for girls.

Though her weariness had faded after reading the letter, Kaos still returned to her room and climbed into bed once Koyume and Tsubasa had gone back to work. As she changed into her pyjamas, she took a long look at herself in the mirror. She was just a girl. Unless someone inspected her unnervingly closely, they wouldn’t notice anything amiss. That thought had brought her some comfort, before. She knew she’d transitioned sooner than many others, owing to a loving family and the luck of having realised who she was at an early age. Kaos was fortunate enough not to bear the tell-tale signs of an unwanted change, and she had been so grateful. Why wasn’t she feeling grateful? When did luck start to feel guilty?

Despite clearly wanting to stay with Tsubasa, Koyume had offered to come and work in their room, so that Kaos and Ruki would each only have one distraction from sleep. Ruki told her not to worry. Kaos needed sleep the most, she’d said, after having glued her eyes to a screen for so long. But Kaos laid awake in her silent room. The excitement of receiving praise from a genuine fan bubbled in her chest and felt like sugar in her stomach, but there was something heavy clamped over her, denying her full excitement.

 _Tsugumi… I can’t remember her old name. I’m glad,_ Kaos thought to herself. She hugged her blanket to her chest. _My manga helped her. I actually helped her. I did something useful, so useful that she thanked me._

_Why do I feel so guilty?_

_Why do I get to have this?_ Kaos held the blanket closer to her body, this body she could live comfortably in, only a touch insecure about her height. _Plenty of people like me would love to look young and cute. It’s selfish to not like it. Why do I get this and Tsugumi doesn’t?_

Kaos thought back to her younger self. The discomfort she’d felt was fairly short-lived; Kaos lacked the confidence to talk to others at school but she wasn’t afraid to come crying to her mother. Conversations happened and after a short stretch of time, Kaos had been granted the first of a few steps toward becoming more comfortable in her body. At the time, that discomfort had felt like the weight of the world, and it was so brief. Did Tsugumi have to deal with that for months? Would she have to deal with it for years?

 _I’m taking it for granted,_ Kaos decided. _All the things I can do with Koyume and Ruki and Tsubasa. Tsugumi should have that too. Why doesn’t she get to have that? I get to go to an all-girls school with my friends, she doesn’t. What gives me the right to have that?_

_The things I write about, they’re so… ordinary. Am I hiding who I am and pretending I’m just like the others? But I am like the others. I’m lucky enough to be like the others._

_What did I do to earn that? I’m terrible at what I do, why do I get to have that?_

Kaos’ knuckles turned white around her blanket and she buried her face in it.

_Why is she thanking me for being what she wants to be?_


	2. Warm Supper

The letter was stuffed between a few sheets of her manuscript. Her friends would never look through her work without permission, no decent mangaka would, so they’d never find it. Once Kaos had composed herself in the morning, she gave her mother a call, thanking her for sending the letter on Tsugumi’s behalf. She allowed her genuine appreciation of a fan to find its way into her voice, then supported it with an injection of performative joy, and her mother congratulated her. Kaos _was_ happy to have a fan, even if they weren’t a complete stranger, and she was glad to have made somebody happy with her work. None of that made her problems go away and it would have been naïve to think that it would.

Her eyes really did need a rest, though. Staring at her tablet wasn’t a perfect alternative but it was certainly an improvement, and she needed to make some progress, anyway. Amisawa would give her that disappointed look she was all too familiar with if she learned that the mangaka was spending her time binging anime rather than even trying to create something.

Kaos declined to join Koyume on her trip into town. “Are you sure?” Koyume asked. “The café has a special today, I think you’d like it.”

Kaos bit the inside of her cheek and did her best to resist. For a change, her efforts were successful. “It’s okay! They’ll probably have it again sometime and I should really work hard today.” She clenched her fists and donned a determined expression while staring at the canvas that had been empty for the past hour.

Koyume quickly replaced her disappointment with pride. “Right! You make your masterpiece and I’ll bring you something back if I don’t eat it on the way home,” she said.

_You don’t deserve it!_

“Thanks!” Kaos said with a laugh.

Once Koyume had finished changing into a honey-coloured dress and departed with a wave, Kaos looked at her tablet and deflated. Sleep hadn’t brought new ideas like Tsubasa had suggested but Tsugumi’s letter certainly had, though these were ideas Kaos didn’t know how to develop. After shrouding herself in a blanket and dedicating her attention to her work, she produced a number of short, incomplete manuscripts, discarding them one by one and growing frustrated with herself. Kaos felt compelled to pour some authenticity into her manga by depicting a part of herself she’d never expressed, but there were a thousand different ways to do it and she didn’t want to choose badly. Should she carry on writing about carefree girls living carefree lives, with only the base acknowledgment that they were like her? Tsugumi had said she liked using Kaos’ manga as an escape, after all, she’d surely enjoy it. Or should she go in completely the opposite direction and depict struggles she barely had to deal with compared to people like Tsugumi? Should she subject her fictional persona to things she hardly experienced out of this sudden wave of guilt?

Kaos let her head hit the table and groaned.

Ruki and Tsubasa approached offering help and Kaos shooed them away as politely as she could. Tsubasa seemed to respect her excuse of a reason – wanting to complete something herself so that her next manga wouldn’t be praised for the involvement of others – while Ruki held her tongue and settled for a concerned look. Kaos must have looked peculiar shielding her tablet from prying eyes like a bird guarding its nest, but they couldn’t know. How would Koyume feel sharing a room with her? How would Ruki feel if confessed to by someone like her? Assuming Kaos would ever work up the nerve, anyway.

Tsubasa probably wouldn’t mind too much. Kaos could hardly imagine the stoic writer getting awfully worked up about something unrelated to manga. No matter how hard Kaos’ self-destructive head tried to picture it.

As the hours rolled by and her tablet grew full of unfinished manuscripts, Kaos’ resolve grew weaker and weaker. She deleted the majority of her failed attempts, cheered up slightly by the satisfaction of erasing them. It wasn’t quite as satisfying as burning her countless old manuscripts, and the only warmth came from her poor overheating tablet, but it was something.

Kaos gingerly accepted her slice of cake when Koyume returned, setting it aside while she continued to attempt to work. Koyume’s presence across the room was difficult to ignore, however, the blonde girl clearly more focused on the dessert than her own manuscript, so Kaos sliced it in two and offered half to Koyume. The other girl’s slice had disappeared by the time Kaos took a bite of her own.

“Ahhh, Kaos, you’re so generous!” Koyume sighed appreciatively, returning to her work with a full stomach. “Maybe too generous, but I’m not complaining.”

She couldn’t stop herself. “I’m not generous enough,” Kaos replied. She picked her pen back up and opened a new canvas, not knowing what to create.

Koyume swivelled her chair to face her. “What do you mean? You’re probably the most generous person I know.”

Kaos stayed quiet for a moment. “I should still be giving more,” she settled on. Kaos drew a series of empty panels and stared blankly at them. She could sense Koyume’s frown and resisted the urge to cover her screen and hide nothing as the other girl approached.

“What makes you think that?” Koyume asked, scooting closer.

Far from appreciating the proximity, Kaos began to sweat and wracked her brain for a way to avoid giving anything away. Koyume prompted her with a hum and Kaos turned her tablet to face her, showing off her lack of success.

“I call myself a mangaka, but I can’t even make anything,” she explained. It didn’t feel so bad when the lie still held plenty of truth. “We’re meant to make manga that people enjoy, but I can’t even do that…”

Koyume sighed sympathetically and gave Kaos an affectionate nudge. “Well, that’s not the only reason for writing manga, is it?” she asked. “Yeah, we have to make things people will like or the editors will get mad, but if you’re just doing it for other people’s sake, why bother? I think manga is about expressing yourself and having fun just as much as it’s about making people happy.”

Kaos gripped her pen tighter. Koyume was right and that didn’t make things any better, now Kaos had two ideals to judge herself against. She wasn’t skilled enough to produce something many people would like, that one brief success having been a flash in the pan, but neither was she confident enough to fully express herself.

Rather that burdening Koyume more, she said, “You’re right. Thanks, Koyume.”

Luck was not on her side as Koyume frowned at Kaos’ flat voice. Tilting her head in concern, Koyume asked, “Is everything alright, Kaos?”

The shorter girl began tapping aimlessly at her screen, hoping to signal to Koyume that she wanted to work. “Yeah, I just want this next manuscript to go well. Everything’s fine.”

Koyume poked at her cheek with her tongue but didn’t keep pushing her friend. “Alright, just make sure you take a break, okay?”

“Mm.”

_You’re just making things worse, acting like this,_ Kaos told herself. _Now you’ve got her worrying about you. Keep it together and make something._

Ririka called the girls for dinner and Koyume’s stomach seemed to forget her cake as she eagerly sped out of the room. She paused at the door, nearly tripping over her feet, and turned back to Kaos. “Are you coming?”

Kaos prodded a few freckles onto the face of another cutesy character then glanced up at Koyume. “Not right now, thanks. I wanna get this finished,” she said. Turning back to her tablet, she missed Koyume’s troubled expression.

“Have you eaten today, though?”

“I had that cake earlier,” Kaos mumbled.

Koyume took a step back into the room. “You’ve gotta eat more than that, though.”

When did she become so wary of being with her friends? Kaos’ stomach was rumbling quietly enough for Koyume not to notice, she knew she had to eat dinner. But the thought of being around the others had become worrying in a way she’d not felt in years.

“I’ll have something later, I promise,” Kaos assured. “I just don’t wanna lose focus.”

Kaos heard Ruki and Tsubasa addressing Koyume and turned back to her tablet, trying to look like she really didn’t want to be disturbed. Koyume seemed to get the message and closed the door behind her, heading down with the others.

Not much progress was made while her friends were eating dinner. Kaos managed to produce another cute couple of panels but her heart wasn’t in it. She took out the letter and set it down next to her tablet, glancing back at it now and then as if it were a set of instructions. Tsugumi was the first fan Kaos had ever had, she needed to do something for her. What Kaos had already made wasn’t enough, Tsugumi appreciated her and Kaos had to do more to deserve that appreciation. Turning her back on Tsugumi and others like her while she led an ordinary life with her friends felt like a betrayal, an easy way out. If other girls had to suffer just to be themselves, she should suffer for her work.

If Koyume was curious when Kaos quickly hid the letter upon her return, she didn’t say anything. She went back to work with a comment about how good the food had been and how Kaos should definitely go get some while it’s warm, and Kaos politely shrugged it off. As luck would have it, Koyume became too engrossed in her drawing to notice when Kaos still hadn’t eaten after another few hours, and the blonde girl went to bed at a reasonable time.

Kaos knew she wouldn’t be making any more progress after spending close to an hour just staring at her tablet and doing nothing. It was a repeat of the night before, except this time the images on the screen weren’t moving. Her stomach growled so loudly she thought it might wake Koyume, and Kaos finally got up, eased the cricks out of her back, and tiptoed down to the kitchen.

If she’d been more awake, she might have noticed that the light was already on and backed out. As it was, Kaos froze when she saw the housemother already sitting at the table, opposite a bowl of food.

“This dorm might be new, but some floorboards still creak,” Ririka said with a cryptic smile, amused with herself.

Kaos couldn’t help but return a small smile. She quietly thanked the housemother for the food and started to make short work of it. Her stomach was sated but still roiled with nerves; the housemother had a particularly comforting presence that made you want to seek her advice, even when doing so meant sharing secrets. In the end, it was Ririka who broke the quiet.

“How is it?” she asked.

With an appreciative smile, Kaos said, “It’s wonderful.”

Ririka’s shoulders relaxed slightly. She seemed so rarely tense that a change like this was noticeable. “Ah, that’s good to hear. I’d worried you might have an upset stomach or not like the food, it’s rare for you to skip meals.”

Kaos’ chopsticks paused in the air. A new type of guilt took root in her stomach, it felt awful worrying the housemother of all people. Somebody who’d taken such good care of her and was now having to doubt her own efforts. Kaos swallowed a lump in her throat.

“I-I—”

_Try again._

“It’s not… I’m sorry—”

_Please just let her help._

Tears welled up in her eyes and she placed the chopsticks down on the table. Kaos wrapped her arms around her stomach as though the food had made her sick.

“It’s okay, Kaos,” Ririka said, reaching a hand across the table. “You can talk to me.”

Kaos took a sharp breath and let herself begin to cry, forcing out shaky words like they’d run away once she’d dried her eyes.

“That letter,” she began, “it was from someone like me and she was really happy. And I don’t know why she doesn’t hate me.”

“Hate you?” Ririka echoed. “Why would anyone hate you?”

Kaos shook her head. “She should, I don’t know why she doesn’t. My manga made her happy because she’s trans like me,” she hardly cared about hiding it from the housemother anymore, “and it let her escape from things. But I should have to deal with that. Why isn’t she angry I’m doing better than her?”

The housemother stood and walked over to Kaos. Kaos kept spilling her words, expecting to get cut off.

“Why do I get to have a good life when she’s having to hurt? I haven’t earned any of this!”

Kaos’ second mother wrapped her arms around her and Kaos instinctively buried her face in Ririka’s shoulder.

“I was always hoping you’d talk to me about this.”

Kaos sniffled and looked up at the housemother.

“About the letter?” she asked.

“About who you are.”

A strange combination of dread and relief washed over Kaos as she stayed in the housemother’s arms.

“You knew I was trans?”

Ririka squeezed her comfortingly before pulling away, keeping her hands on Kaos’ shoulders. “Have you ever looked at other people, hoping you’ll find someone like you? Have you looked for signs?”

Kaos was taken aback. She thought back to lonely days at her old school, too scared to make connections. “Yes.”

The housemother smiled. “Then you know.”

Eyes slowly growing wide, Kaos stared at the housemother. “You’re like me?”

A nod. “I thought I saw a bit of myself in you. I didn’t want to intrude so I waited to see if you’d talk to me.” Ririka kneeled down to meet Kaos’ eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t offer my help sooner.”

The small girl sat in shock and stared at the housemother, the hands on her shoulders feeling like a warm blanket. The two of them were startled by Kaos’ stomach rumbling.

The housemother laughed and stood. “I’m sorry, I made this a bit about me,” she said, returning to her seat.

Eyes still sparkling, Kaos picked up her chopsticks and took a few more bites to quiet her stomach. The housemother began to talk as she ate.

“The other girls were saying you seemed a bit down. I hadn’t thought that it might be because of this,” Ririka told her. “Kaos, you should never feel guilty for escaping a bad situation.”

Kaos swallowed a mouthful of noodles. “But it’s not right that I get to be happy when people like Tsugumi aren’t.”

“It’s not right that others have to be unhappy. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to be happy,” the housemother said. “Kaos, bringing yourself down won’t help anyone else. You can’t make things better for someone by making things worse for yourself, that just means there are more people hurting. Your fans wouldn’t want that, nor would your friends, nor do I.”

“I haven’t earned being happy, though. I can’t even make good manga, I can’t do anything to earn this,” Kaos insisted.

“You never have to earn happiness. It’s good that you want to help people, but don’t think you have a debt to pay just because you were lucky.”

“But I’m betraying them! I write a lot about my own experiences, but I don’t even mention being trans. It must look like I’m ashamed of it.”

The housemother shook her head. “You’re not obligated to share every part of yourself, Kaos. If you’d like to try writing about your experiences being transgender, that’s wonderful. But I think you should do it because you want to, not because you think you have to. You don’t have to let your old life haunt you like, ah, a ghost in the attic,” Ririka chuckled. “It’s okay to want to move on from that, you don’t need to tie yourself to it.”

Kaos kept slowly eating her food, not noticing it getting cold. She stared into the broth with furrowed brows, taking in the housemother’s words. Was it really okay to enjoy what she had without the guilt of having things better than someone else?

“I think… I feel like I should help. Maybe I don’t have to, but I feel like I should. And maybe I want to,” Kaos told her bowl. Looking up at the housemother, she said, “I want to keep making people like Tsugumi happy, but I don’t want to feel like I’m avoiding who I am, either. I don’t know how to talk about myself.”

Ririka stood and began making tea. The sound of clinking cups filled up some of the quiet. “If you’d like to portray the life of somebody who’s trans, the best thing you can do is be true to yourself,” she said. “You could write about what being trans means to you, not somebody else.” The housemother poured the tea. “Maybe keep the light-hearted tone you’re skilled at, while including some details about how being trans can make things different?” She handed Kaos her cup and sat back down. “You don’t have a perfect life, Kaos, you’re just a bit luckier than some. You still have hardships you could write about.”

Kaos blew on her tea and took a small sip. The steam started dusting her cheeks pink. “I guess there’s some, but I just feel like I don’t deserve to be happier than other people.”

Setting down her own cup, Ririka said, “I had to deal with some troubles myself, when I was your age. I’m only glad that you’re not hurting so much.” She looked at the girl. “Nobody’s going to hold it against you, Kaos. We want you to be happy.”

Kaos let slip a few tears and mumbled, “Maybe I shouldn’t pretend I don’t have problems…”

The housemother smiled. “That’s right. It’s a balance, you don’t have to act like everything is okay, but you shouldn’t try to make things worse for yourself, either. It’s enough to just be honest with yourself.”

Watching her reflection in her teacup, Kaos nervously tapped her feet. “Can I be honest about myself, with you?”

“Always.”

Between bites of her now-lukewarm food and sips of tea, Kaos aired her troubles. She explained to the housemother the anxiety she’d faced when wearing a swimsuit with the other girls, when receiving affection and worrying she didn’t deserve it, when meeting Tsubasa’s strict and chilling mother, and Ririka nodded along as though she knew it all too well.

The vice that had clamped around Kaos’ chest grew weaker and weaker as she talked herself tired. That sugary excitement that had sat in her stomach began to surface and Kaos finally let herself appreciate that she really did have a fan.

“You don’t owe your readers any personal details,” Ririka explained, “but if you’re honest and sincere, they’ll pick up on that. Writing about your time with the other girls is what got you published before, so being open about yourself might make for another great manga and even more fans. If that’s what you’d like to do.”

Kaos nodded, determined, already brainstorming ideas for how to turn her own experiences into something warm and engaging. There was only one more obstacle now.

“But Ruki and Koyume and Tsubasa will end up seeing it,” she fretted. “I can’t keep it from them, they might ask questions.”

The housemother gave her an encouraging look. “If you’re ready, you could tell them too. I’ll always be here if you need any help with it, and getting that weight off your shoulders before you begin should make it easier to work, anyway.”

Kaos smiled in appreciation. The idea of telling the others made her nerves aflutter but she began to feel capable. She trusted her friends. Tsubasa seemed like she’d support her in anything, Koyume was too kind to let this change things, and Ruki had captured Kaos’ heart for a reason. She was still open to the idea of backlash, that fear would never go away, but the housemother’s words eased her anxiety. Kaos loved her friends far too much to project her own insecurities onto them, and she knew they loved her just as dearly.


	3. Gotcha

Koyume awoke with a stretch and a yawn to find Kaos half-in, half-out of her bed. The smaller girl’s right arm and leg dangled off her mattress and Koyume had to wonder how she’d not flopped onto the floor by now. Despite her precarious position, Koyume saw that Kaos’ face was far more relaxed than it had been the day before. She was asleep, of course, so it was only natural, but then Kaos had been wearing a tense expression when Koyume had gone to bed on the night of the letters’ arrival. She’d thought not to question it at the time, assuming that the poor girl was having a nightmare, but Kaos’ strained behaviour during the day had given cause for concern.

Now? She looked positively blissful, at least in comparison. Koyume wondered if Kaos had finally managed to make a solid start on her manuscript while she herself had been in bed. Kaos seemed to her like a girl of two extremes: on one end, her excitement upon completing a manuscript she thought was stellar lit up the room; on the other, the gloom she exuded when struggling with her work could be overwhelming.

With a relieved smile, Koyume took her own blanket, folded it, and placed it on the floor beside Kaos’ bed. If the girl slipped a few inches further now, at least she’d have a soft landing.

Koyume dressed for the day and quietly left their room. She approached the entrance to the others’ room and pressed her ear to the door. The walls were slightly thicker in the renovated dorm, but she could still hear the scratch of a pen to know that one of them was awake. Hopefully Tsubasa. Koyume had always appreciated her own impressive hearing, it was handy to overhear gossip at school that could inspire a new manuscript.

She knocked quietly twice and the scratching stopped. The door slid open to reveal Ruki’s tired face and Koyume cursed herself for being slightly disappointed.

“Morning Koyume,” Ruki greeted.

“Good morning! Did you sleep okay?” Koyume replied.

Ruki cringed. “Is it that bad?” The girl looked like she hadn’t slept all night and while that could have been true and would not have been unusual, she rarely looked so clearly exhausted afterwards.

“It’s not that bad!” Koyume assured. Ruki looked unconvinced. “Did you stay up late again?”

“Not on purpose this time,” said Ruki, running a hand through her unbrushed hair. “I couldn’t get any work done so I just went to bed, but then I couldn’t sleep either.”

Ah. “Were you up worrying about Kaos?” Koyume asked sympathetically.

Ruki turned slightly red but lacked the energy to get embarrassed. “Yes… is she up yet?”

“Not yet, she might have gone to bed late.”

“I did hear footsteps during the night.”

A bright blue head appeared behind Ruki.

“Ah, Tsubasa, you’re up! Did you have trouble sleeping too?” Koyume asked.

Tsubasa only looked to be at her normal level of sleep deprivation. Such was her natural state, she barely looked any different to when she was wide awake.

“No, I just worked all night,” she replied. “You said Kaos is still asleep?”

Koyume led the pair over to her room, where Kaos hadn’t quite fallen off her bed yet. “Yep, she looks a lot calmer now though,” she said.

Ruki and Tsubasa both looked over at Kaos, the former losing some tension in her shoulders. “She also looks like she’s going to fall,” Ruki said.

“Better to experience physical pain than emotional,” Tsubasa stated, either not noticing or ignoring the safety blanket.

Ruki, noticing the blanket, shook her head. “Let’s hope she just had a stomach ache yesterday then.”

“No that was definitely emotional,” Tsubasa countered, heading back to her own room. Koyume and Ruki followed behind.

“How do you know?” Ruki asked.

Tsubasa took a seat at her desk and swivelled the chair around. “I’m not sure. She just seemed out of sorts. You noticed it too, didn’t you?”

Sitting on her bed and grabbing her plushie, Ruki replied, “Well, yeah. She did seem kind of down, and she’s usually more… talkative when something’s hurting. I’ve never known her to keep her troubles to herself so much.”

“She told me yesterday that she was just having trouble with her manga,” Koyume offered, still standing in the doorway. “She was talking about how she doesn’t give out enough with her work.”

“Give out?” Ruki repeated.

Koyume scratched her cheek. “Yeah, like, she thought she was being a bad writer by not making enough stuff that other people like. I told her it’s important to write for yourself, too.”

“Solid advice,” Tsubasa commended. Koyume lit up like a star. “It must hurt to have so many manuscripts rejected. I can understand why she’d start to feel that way.”

Ruki’s eyes widened and her grip on the plush bunny grew tight. Koyume startled slightly when she heard a voice behind her say, “Good morning…”

Kaos’ pink head had appeared behind Koyume in the hallway. Thankfully, the way she rubbed at her eye, still dressed in her pyjamas, suggested she was still sleepy. Hopefully she hadn’t overheard her friends’ discussion.

“Good morning Kaos,” Ruki greeted warmly. “Do you plan on getting dressed today?”

Kaos lazily took in her own appearance and giggled. “Maybe.”

Diverting attention from Ruki’s rosy expression, Koyume placed a hand on Kaos’ shoulder. “Did you manage to make some progress last night?” she asked.

Kaos suddenly looked more awake. “A-ah, not really!” she replied. “I still haven’t managed to draw anything good, but I managed to get some ideas eventually.” She averted her eyes from her three friends.

“Spill!” said Koyume.

Taking a step back and raising her hands in defence, Kaos said, “I can’t say anything yet! I-I still don’t know if they’re any good, so I’ll wait until after I’ve tried writing them.” Her eyes were wide and her hands waving away any questioning, so the others left it there.

True to her word, Kaos got right to work after getting dressed and downing her breakfast. She scribbled away on her tablet with an energy that Koyume hadn’t seen her exhibit in some time, with her tongue poking out in concentration. Kaos still kept to herself a tad more than usual, not inviting and actively declining offers of help, but her passion was plain to see. Koyume almost felt pressured to keep up. Next to Kaos, she now felt as though her own pace was slack, and wasn’t that something she could rarely say?

Curiosity crept in as Koyume became more interested in what Kaos was creating than in making progress on her own manuscript. Kaos quite pointedly turned off her tablet while the two ate lunch, and though Koyume tried to tempt her away with a snack – one step short of ‘pspsps’-ing at her as though she’d turned into Nyaos – Kaos kept her manuscript close. Koyume supposed it was only fair. Though she herself would find it hard to stop talking if asked about her work, not everybody felt that way and a desire for privacy was understandable.

Even so, curiosity was rarely so easy to wave away.

Once the two had enjoyed some tea, Kaos sprang up and left for the bathroom. She hadn’t moved in several hours, it was bound to get to her eventually. Only now, she’d forgotten to lock her tablet. Even from where she was sitting, Koyume could see that the panels on the screen were filled with much more detail than Kaos’ recent and short-lived attempts. Her interest quashing any appeal to politeness, Koyume quietly walked over to the table and took a look at Kaos’ work.

Her art had improved, that much was certain. Compared to the flat simplicity of some of Kaos’ older work, this new manuscript was bursting with life. The thick lines and expressive characters gave each panel a palpable sense of energy, exuding a level of confidence Kaos was rarely one to show. Koyume smiled as she took it all in.

There was a slightly different feeling to what she was reading, too. The manuscript maintained Kaos’ cutesy charm but seemed a touch more substantial, like the pink-haired girl was working hard to convey something other than fun and cheer. Koyume tapped through a few more pages and found herself feeling sentimental as the girls went to the beach. Their chibi-like designs showed an awful lot less than might be found in Ruki’s work, as was to be expected. Koyume was prepared to get swept up in memories before a particular panel caught her eye.

The girl she assumed to be the main protagonist among the four girls bore a nervous expression which reminded Koyume strongly of Kaos. She was hiding behind a locker as her friends complimented each other’s swimsuits, and her personal monologue appeared over her head.

 _What if they notice something weird?_ It read. _They might think I look gross._

Koyume frowned. Kaos was hardly subtle in inserting herself and her friends into her work – Koyume found it somewhat flattering, not that she’d do it herself. With her bright eyes and shy demeanour, this girl was clearly Kaos-lite. Did Kaos think of herself that way? Had she thought these things herself, back when they went to the beach? The idea made Koyume want to give her a hug.

What would be ‘weird’ about Kaos?

Unable to stop herself – Kaos was taking her time – Koyume opened another manuscript, this one seemingly complete. Set to the backdrop of a school rooftop, the shy girl sat in the embrace of her friend. A single bead of sweat was running down her face.

 _She’s always been nervous around boys,_ the character thought. _Would she still hug me if she knew?_

Koyume’s frown turned into something quizzical, then disappeared when in the fourth panel, the girl relaxed into her friend’s arms. It returned once again when she started to think.

 _Is that girl meant to be me or Ruki?_ Koyume thought. _Tsubasa isn’t really a hugger, and one of the other girls has a crumb on her face. That’ll be me then, so this must be Ruki._

Did Kaos feel uncomfortable with Ruki’s hugs? She’d never expressed as much, quite the opposite in fact. But in the end, the girl was happy. So Kaos must be happy. So why did she get worried?

_She’s always been nervous around boys. Would she still hug me if she knew?_

Koyume’s mouth parted in a perfect ‘O’. The swimsuit worries, the mention of boys. She was very much not meant to read this.

Quickly, she returned Kaos’ tabs to the way she’d left them, shot up and returned to her own desk. Not a moment too soon, as moments after Koyume picked up her pen, Kaos came back into the room. The logical part of Koyume knew it’d be safest not to open her mouth, but she still stuttered out, “Is your stomach okay?”

Kaos gave her a friendly smile and replied, “It’s fine! I just stopped to pet Nyaos in the hallway.”

“O-oh! That’s good!”

Koyume held her breath as Kaos went back to her tablet, but the smaller girl simply picked up her pen and went right back to work. The same determined expression, the same tongue sticking out in concentration, she hadn’t noticed a thing. Somehow that felt worse.

Though her knowledge of these kinds of things was limited, Koyume figured she knew how to read between the lines. She’d read a variety of shōjo manga in her time and while most stuck to a similar formula, a few had dealt with more diverse ideas. It was only natural that she’d acquire a passing knowledge of such a topic, at least enough to know what it meant.

Koyume began to wonder if this was the source of Kaos’ melancholy. She’d never seen the girl so oddly down when faced with rejection, Kaos’ reaction to that tended to be more dramatic and noticeable. Rarely would Kaos have trouble with her work without letting her friends know about it – even if she wanted to accomplish things by herself, she still knew when to ask for help. To have been so quiet, something else must have been on her mind. But Koyume hadn’t anticipated this.

Obviously it changed little for her. Perhaps now that she knew, or at least suspected, she might offer to bring Kaos along on more of her ‘girly’ escapades. Koyume knew Kaos wasn’t much for clothes shopping but she’d love to at least treat her to something cute. She just had to make sure she didn’t come across as patronising.

But for someone as anxious and self-deprecating as Kaos, this could change a lot. The smaller girl had already been avoiding her friends yesterday, and while today had been more normal, there was no guarantee that things wouldn’t get bad again. If Koyume wanted to offer whatever help she was capable of giving, she’d have to come clean and risk upset. But then, her desire to help far outweighed her desire to not get in trouble.

“Kaos, can you take a look at this for me?”

The other girl startled at Koyume’s voice, so caught up in her work, but replied with a “Sure!” and came over to the desk.

“Do you need any help?” Kaos asked.

Koyume turned her manuscript to face Kaos. It was mostly empty but she’d made a start on a few panels.

“Just wanted to hear your thoughts!” she replied.

Kaos leaned in with a hand on her chin, scrutinizing Koyume’s work in her best impression of Tsubasa. She smiled slightly at the boy for some reason and opened her mouth to comment, and Koyume pulled her into a hug.

“Kaos, I’m sorry!” Koyume exclaimed.

Kaos jolted. “Yes! Wait. What?”

“I-I’m really sorry, I just—I was so curious to see your ideas, and,” Koyume spoke quickly, “and I looked through your manuscript! I’m so sorry!”

She felt Kaos turn rigid in her arms. Koyume didn’t know whether to expect tears or anger.

“You saw,” Kaos breathed.

Koyume loosened her grip but Kaos didn’t pull away, she didn’t move at all. “I know I shouldn’t have, I don’t know what I was thinking, but I just… i-if I’m… reading it right, I just want to make sure you know, Kaos…”

The smaller girl squeaked as Koyume hugged her tighter.

“I’ve gotcha.”

“…Eh?”

Nerves setting in after her own outburst, Koyume let her go and looked up at Kaos’ wide eyes and open mouth.

“D-did I get it wrong?” Koyume asked meekly.

Kaos stared at her and spoke quietly. “No… no, you got it. It’s okay?”

Koyume wrapped her up in another tight hug, nearly toppling over in her chair.

“Yes!”

“I’m… okay?” Kaos shakily rephrased.

“Yes! Always!” Koyume affirmed, perhaps a little loudly.

Slowly, stutteringly, awkward as stop-motion, Kaos returned the hug. Her embrace was so gentle as to barely be felt, as though afraid her tiny arms might break the bigger girl.

“Doesn’t this change things?” she asked, voice muffled as her face pressed into Koyume’s shoulder.

Koyume squeezed her even tighter and Kaos squeaked again, so she loosened her hold a bit. “Not to me. You’re the same Kaos and you’re my best friend.”

Koyume had comforted a crying Kaos enough times to know when the girl was getting emotional. As Kaos began to tremble in her arms, Koyume rubbed her back and brushed their heads together.

“I’m really sorry I intruded, Kaos. I promise this doesn’t change a thing.”

Kaos just sobbed into her shoulder. Koyume thanked her luck that neither of the others had barged in yet.

After a few more minutes of whispered comfort and a rather dampened shoulder, Kaos gingerly pulled back and Koyume looked up at her with a gentle gaze.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Kaos mumbled.

Koyume gave her a small smile. “Don’t be, you didn’t have to. I’m the one who went snooping, don’t apologise,” she replied.

Kaos took hold of her hand all of a sudden and looked at her intensely. “It’s definitely okay?” she asked, fresh tears in her eyes already. “You don’t want me to move out?”

“What? No! I mean, yes, it’s okay! But no, don’t go anywhere!” Koyume exclaimed. Kaos sank down to her knees and Koyume’s heart threatened to plummet. She got up from her chair and kneeled in front of the smaller girl, bringing a hand up to pat her head.

“I swear it’s okay, Kaos. I’ll do whatever I can to help you believe it’s okay.”

Once Kaos had run out of tears for the time being, the two girls sat by each other on Koyume’s bed. Koyume listened attentively and offered snacks while Kaos explained everything – the letter, her talk with the housemother, and her ideas for the manga. That familiar anxiety was still present in Kaos' uncertain voice and occasionally shaky hands, but Koyume could feel the passion in her voice as she went over her plans. Unable to stop herself, Koyume butted in with words of affirmation whenever Kaos mentioned those moments of insecurity, leading the anxious girl to grow red in the face.

When Kaos had received all the affirmations she could handle, her smile looked more preciously relaxed than Koyume thought her poor heart could handle. They each returned to their work, sharing and comparing their manuscripts as though it were any other day. Kaos expressed a new openness in presenting her project, eager to hear Koyume’s thoughts and more pertinently, her approval. There was little for Koyume to suggest. More than any other manga in recent memory, Koyume giddily anticipated the fruits of Kaos’ work.


	4. Four-Panel Memoirs

It was by a sheer stroke of luck that Ruki and Tsubasa stayed in their room until after Kaos and Koyume had returned to their work. By then, Kaos’ eyes were no longer red and puffy and her composure had been restored, as much as Kaos could be said to have much composure to begin with. She and Koyume somewhat suspiciously ended their conversation as the others knocked on the door, but their friends assumed it was simply the kind of fluffy girl-talk that Ruki and Tsubasa didn’t care so much for.

Ruki hardly would have minded joining in, though. Was it productive? Hardly. Would Kaos have sounded adorable? Irresistibly so.

Kaos kept her tablet angled away from the others for the duration of their visit. Her talk with Koyume had upped her confidence but she’d still rather stick to the plan as much as possible, the housemother’s support at dinner would be a much-desired safety net. Together in Kaos and Koyume’s room, the four committed their day to productivity. The housemother brought up a tray of snacks and they chatted and shared progress over lunch, though Kaos kept quiet and vague, and as the hours rolled by, her manuscripts took shape.

Before she knew it, Kaos heard the housemother’s voice calling them down for dinner. She quickly finished off one last panel, not wanting to present incomplete work, and told the others to go on ahead. Ruki and Tsubasa shared looks of concern but Koyume laid a reassuring hand on each of their shoulders and led them out of the room. Kaos quickly queued her manuscripts up for the printer and nervously tapped her foot as she waited for them to print. The housemother didn’t call her again, they’d been over the plan before, and a few minutes later, Kaos walked into the kitchen with her folder under her arm.

Dinner was as delicious as ever. Though Ruki looked tempted to ask about the folder, the mixed look of anxiety and determination of Kaos’ face convinced her to wait. The folder sat leaning against Kaos’ chair, she and Koyume didn’t acknowledge it, so it went fairly ignored while they ate.

“My deadline is in a few days,” Tsubasa told them, “so I’ll be up late tonight.”

Koyume adopted the look of a puppy. “Do you need any help?” she eagerly asked.

Tsubasa smiled and declined. “It’s alright, I don’t want to keep you up. It should be finished by morning.”

Unnoticed by either of them, Ruki smiled sympathetically as Koyume deflated. Kaos’ lighter mood seemed to have reached Ruki, she still looked tired but not as though she might pass out at the drop of a hat. The smaller girl hadn’t seen her smile since she’d first offered to help Kaos the day before, after which Ruki had quickly realised that all was not well with her friend. A small stab of guilt bit at Kaos, solemn at the thought of making Ruki worry, but hopefully, things would get much better after tonight. Hopefully.

As agreed, Ririka discouraged the four from leaving right after dinner with the promise of a special dessert. “A friend recommended me an interesting recipe, so I thought I’d make it for you girls,” she said. “It’ll just take a few minutes to prepare.”

Koyume didn’t know the full extent of the plan, so her eyes went wide at the housemother’s promise. It wasn’t a total lie, at least, though the recipe was one of Ririka’s own. Amisawa and Nijino were hardly ones to bake and even if they did, they’d be hard-pressed to suggest a recipe that Ririka hadn’t tried.

Once the housemother had disappeared and before another conversation began, Kaos reached down and set her folder on the table. She might have looked suspect, so quick on the draw, but the others were curious enough not to make note of it.

“S-so!” Kaos nervously began. “I thought maybe you could all give me some feedback on my manuscripts? I-I’m trying out a new idea and I—” she took a breath, “I want to know if it works.”

The others looked on with interest as Kaos handed them a page each. A sudden flash of anxiety jolted her arm and nearly knocked over her tea, but Kaos managed. Koyume put on a curious face that might have been slightly overdoing it, as though she fancied herself a master of deception. Seeing her friend’s supportive efforts made Kaos feel a touch less nervous.

“I wanted to write about some of my own experiences,” Kaos explained, twiddling her thumbs under the table. “Since that’s what got me published last time.”

Eyes fixed to the manuscript, Tsubasa gave an approving nod. “That format does suit you. It helps when writing is sincere,” she said.

Kaos gave her own nod of thanks that went unseen. “Y-yeah, and um, if you—if any of you have questions, I’ll do my best to answer them!”

Beneath the table, Koyume nudged Kaos’ leg with her own. The attempt at comfort nearly made Kaos yelp and she turned to Koyume, wide-eyed. Koyume gave her an apologetic look and a small thumbs up, while Ruki and Tsubasa were too preoccupied to notice.

Though she’d seen it already, Koyume still read through her page with interest. Hers was the manga about their trip to the beach, with the nervous girl worried about wearing a swimsuit. Koyume’s smile looked almost wistful, still saddened by the discovery that her friend had been dealing with such issues but glad to have been able to help.

“Your art shows clear improvements,” Tsubasa spoke up. Her attention was focused to a point on the page she’d been given, one depicting their visit to Tsubasa’s home. In it, the nervous girl worried that her friend’s strict, intimidating mother might notice something wrong with her and react with scorn. The girl then shook those thoughts from her head and focused on helping her uncomfortable friend, silently pledging to support her as she struggled with an overbearing family.

Tsubasa looked up and blinked a few times. She locked eyes with Kaos across the table and the intensity of her gaze almost made Kaos flinch.

“Your story also seems to hold more depth, which is commendable,” she continued, her voice warmer than that of a detached professional. Her face relaxed slightly but she was still giving Kaos her full attention, seeming to stare into her as though in search of something. “You’ve maintained a nice tone while introducing more depth to the characters. There’s just a small spelling error in the last panel.”

Ah, the one Kaos had hurried to complete before dinner.

“Oh, t-thanks Tsubasa! I’m glad you liked the characters!” Kaos replied. She began to sweat under Tsubasa’s gaze but relaxed when her friend gave a small smile.

Both of them jumped as Koyume exclaimed, “Me next! It made me wanna hug the cute girl!”

Kaos swore she did that on purpose. The response made her blush and from the corner of her eye, she saw Tsubasa smile slightly wider.

“A-ah, thanks! And um, what do you think, Ruki? Or are you still reading?” Kaos asked, watching as the taller girl broke her studious expression and looked up.

Ruki glanced aside and held the paper tightly, though careful not to damage it. “Well, your art and characters have only gotten better, like Tsubasa said.” She bit her lip and said, “What… inspired you to write this?”

The third page showed the girl with her friends on the rooftop, eating lunch together. As one of the girl’s friends wrapped her up in a hug, the girl silently worried that she wasn’t deserving of a hug, that her friend would be rejecting her if she knew what she was. In the fourth panel, her friend gave her a squeeze and the girl dispelled her thoughts, relaxing into the embrace.

Kaos’ legs began to shake beneath the table. She licked her lips and gripped the sides of her chair. Ruki and the others looked at her patiently, Koyume giving her a tiny, encouraging nod.

“S-so, I thought it might be good to write more about my personal life,” Kaos began slowly. “I think maybe being open is what helps with my writing.”

Tsubasa nodded.

“And there’s something I want to try and express that might mean something to some people. I hadn’t really talked about it before because I didn’t want to feel like it was too much of who I am. I just wanted to be ordinary, a-and I didn’t want to make you all think differently about me.”

“There were some things that made me worry but you guys really helped. I want to show that in my manga.”

Her friends looked back at her with encouraging faces.

“S-see, see…” Kaos’ fingers tightened around her chair. Koyume placed a hand on the table and inched it towards Kaos.

Kaos took a few shallow breaths and when she looked up, she saw the housemother standing in the doorway, ready to offer help. She shook her head slightly and plastered on a tiny smile, even as her eyes began to water. The housemother smiled back at her and nodded.

“See, I used to, I was—”

“Kaos,” Tsubasa gently interrupted. “You can be a very good storyteller. I think what you’ve made says a lot, and I think we understand.” She looked to Koyume who gave her a smile and Ruki who gave her a nod. “You don’t have to tell us directly if it’s difficult.”

The nervous girl shook her head. “N-no, I want to, I want…”

“Okay, of course,” Tsubasa reassured.

Kaos let go of the chair and folded her hands in her lap in an image of some maturity that wasn’t hers, that she was borrowing. She shakily straightened her back and blinked back tears and held her hands still.

“I’m trans. I hope that’s okay.”

She looked out on a sea of smiles and achingly relaxed her shoulders.

“Of course it’s okay!”

“Thank you for telling us.”

“We’re proud of you, Kaos.”

Kaos let out a sob.

Chair legs scraped the floor as her friends got up and pulled her as one into a warming hug. Kaos was crying into somebody’s chest, probably Koyume’s if she had to guess, while three pairs of arms held on to her.

Ruki murmured, “The chair is getting in the way…” and Kaos gave her a watery giggle. She stood and her friends held her even tighter, she couldn’t tell whose arms were whose. Someone loosened their grip and took a step back to let somebody else get closer. Kaos sobbed and held on for dear life and a hand rose to stroke her hair.

“It’s—” she hiccupped, “—okay?”

“It’s okay,” said Tsubasa.

“We’ve got you,” said Ruki.

Koyume had done plenty of talking already. She nuzzled Kaos’ cheek and Kaos leaned into her touch.

Once they finally let go, Kaos rubbed her eyes and asked, “S-so you don’t want me to move—”

“No!” said Koyume.

“And you’re sure you’re okay with—”

“Yes,” said Tsubasa.

“At least let her finish,” Ruki sighed with a smile.

Tsubasa brushed her off. “It’ll be the same answer anyway.”

Kaos laughed and grabbed on to the nearest person. Ruki held her back and patted her head.

The four of them turned at the sound of cutlery. The housemother stood by the table wearing a calming smile, holding a fork and a slice of cake. Four more slices sat on the table, each with a single strawberry.

“I hope you’ll enjoy,” Ririka said, smiling brighter at Kaos.

There was nothing special about the cake, it tasted almost identical to those the housemother had made before. It was wonderful, regardless. Koyume worked up the nerve to feed Tsubasa a strawberry from her fork and Tsubasa complied, nonplussed. Taking another look at one of the manuscripts, Tsubasa said, “By the way, Kaos, don’t worry about my mother.” She threw a fist into the air and continued, “Should the wicked witch ever disapprove of you, I’ll not hesitate to smite her.”

Ruki held Tsubasa’s arm and brought it back down. “Please avoid smiting your mother.”

“I’ll do it.”

Kaos smiled bashfully and took another bite of cake. She answered a few small questions from Koyume and Ruki as they all ate, but it seemed there was little to clarify anyway. Ririka stopped just short of taking a photo of them looking so happy together, deciding it might be a bit much for one night. Nyaos brushed up against Kaos’ ankles and she let the cat lick a spot of frosting off her finger. Everybody agreed that tonight was a night off, so the next few hours were spent around the table, discussing their manga and washing down cake with tea.

Far too tired for any more work, Kaos collected up her manuscripts and the four of them made their way to the stairs. As Kaos was about to follow Ruki and Koyume, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Kaos,” Tsubasa said, turning her around. “Thank you again for trusting us with this.”

Kaos gave her a shy smile and said, “T-thank you for being okay with me.”

Tsubasa glanced up the stairs and looked at Kaos. “Of course. And… well. I’m not exactly like you, but I should let you know. I’m nonbinary.”

She watched Kaos’ bright pink eyes widen.

“I hope I can help you with things going forward, as much as I’m able,” she continued. “Ruki already knows, I don’t think Koyume does. I’ll let her know soon, too. I don’t want to take the wind from your sails tonight, though,” Tsubasa smiled.

“Tsubasa…” Kaos breathed. “Thank you for telling me, I’m gonna support you too!”

Her stoic friend nodded. “Thank you. I’m glad you could talk to us about this. Now,” she gave Kaos a little push to the back, “let’s get some sleep. We’ll be hard at work tomorrow.”

Kaos beamed. “Right!”

It was almost surprising how normal things were. Koyume didn’t get nervous or look away as the two of them changed into their pyjamas, only retrieving her blanket from the floor beside Kaos’ bed. Nothing had changed but the vice had let go, Kaos could breathe as easily as she could cry, and there was rarely a day in which Kaos didn’t tear up. She blinked away a few relieved tears as she climbed into bed and before Koyume opened her mouth to ask more about her manga, she was out like a light. Koyume grinned sleepily at her and turned off her lamp. Wrapped up in her blanket, Kaos rolled over in her sleep and nuzzled her pillow.


	5. Strawberry Crush

It had been a day chock full of hard work and concentration. All four mangaka had been holed up in Kaos and Koyume’s room, a plate of snacks sitting barely touched on the table and manuscripts either stacked in piles or decorating the floor. Koyume mostly helped Kaos while Tsubasa focused on polishing up her own work for the upcoming deadline, and Ruki made steady but slow progress on her manuscript.

Her eyes had kept flitting to Kaos’ determined face but none of the others noticed, engrossed in their own work. A handful of odd feelings Ruki never thought she’d have swum in her stomach. She’d ended up making only a fraction of the progress her friends had each made, and when asked, chalked it up to writer’s block.

That was then. Now, it was time for a break, they’d agreed. As Tsubasa had finally finished her work, the four of them had slept at a reasonable time and woken up fresh and ready for a trip to the town. The ‘special’ item Koyume had enjoyed at their favourite café had ended up being something regular, owing to its popularity, apparently. The cheerful girl was eager to recommend it.

“So? What do you think?” Koyume asked between bites. She’d plucked the strawberries off and set them aside, saving the best for last.

Kaos chewed hers ponderingly. “I didn’t think caramel and strawberries would go together,” she said, “but it works!” The caramel was starting to glue her teeth together, but she managed to get her words out.

Ruki prodded at her food and wore a small smile. Beside her sat Tsubasa and opposite, Kaos and Koyume. She’d noticed after a while that when the four of them went out together, Koyume tended to alternate between sitting next to and opposite Tsubasa. It seemed she wanted both to enjoy the proximity and be able to see her crush across the table. Nobody had noted it out loud but Ruki found it endearing.

Less endearing, she was sure, was her own apparent nervousness. Tsubasa kept shooting her glances as Ruki avoided eye contact with her own crush while trying not to make it too obvious. She barely registered the taste of the cake, though she knew it was good, too busy stewing in awkward thoughts.

Koyume spoke up, “I’m kinda surprised you agreed to take time away from your manuscript, Kaos!”

Tsubasa tutted at her across the table. “Don’t say that or she’ll run home to keep working.”

The pink-haired girl bashfully twiddled her fork. “Well, I thought since it’s based on my experiences, going out might give me something else to write about?” Kaos said. “N-not that I don’t want to spend time with you anyway!” she hastily added.

Ruki paused with a strawberry speared in front of her mouth. “Isn’t it based on bad experiences, though?” she asked, frowning slightly in Kaos’ direction. “I’d hope nothing like that would happen here.”

Koyume tilted her head in thought. “Oh, that’s true actually.” She turned to Kaos. “Might it get hard to find stuff to write about now that we’re all supporting you?”

Clearly the thought hadn’t occurred to Kaos. She blinked and stared into her food with a look of concern, and said, “Oh… That might stop me from writing more…”

A pang of guilt hit Ruki at Kaos’ suddenly downtrodden demeanour. As ever, Tsubasa was the one to bring them both back up. Sipping her milkshake, Tsubasa countered, “That shouldn’t be a problem. Negative experiences never go away entirely, even when you’ve got support. And you can always write about more positive things, too. That suits your art style.”

Kaos brightened a bit, her mood up and down like a yo-yo. “Oh, I could! I bet Tsugumi would like that, too. She did say she uses my manga as an escape,” she said. She cut off a bite of cake and popped it in her mouth, unaware of the confusion now on Ruki and Tsubasa’s faces.

The odd feeling in Ruki’s stomach stirred up. As far as she knew, the three of them and Fuura were Kaos’ only friends, and while Ruki liked to think she’d be happy for Kaos to make more, hearing the unfamiliar name only made her anxious. Did Kaos have some… more passionate friendship the others didn’t know about? Ruki hoped that her fretting and pining hadn’t been for nothing.

“Tsugumi?” Tsubasa asked for her. “Is she your friend?”

Kaos hummed curiously before remembering. “Oh! I never told you about the letter!” she exclaimed.

“The one from your mother?” Ruki asked, confused.

“Oh, no no no, get this!”

As Kaos launched into an explanation of her first fan mail, recollecting how it led to her creating her new manga, Ruki felt a small weight leave her shoulders. She’d been so caught up in worrying about Kaos, for one reason and then another, that she had never stopped to wonder what brought on this development. A sudden bout of dysphoria? A particularly upsetting experience?

No. Paradoxically, given Kaos’ propensity for unfortunate events, it had been caused by something so wonderful as her first glowing piece of fan mail.

Still, Ruki’s worries remained.

“Hmm, I’d wondered if something was up with your letter. You seemed down after reading it,” Tsubasa said. “Good to know it turned into something good. Congratulations.”

“Yes, congratulations!” Ruki said. _Not even a friend,_ she told herself, _just a fan. Don’t get so worked up_. “It’s good that the matron helped you out, too.” Ruki wondered if she should seek the housemother’s advice herself.

Kaos blushed and waved her hands, Koyume leaning out of the way of her fork. “T-thank you!” she stammered. “I still feel a little weird about it, but it’s helped with my manga.”

“And to celebrate!” Koyume blurted, startling Kaos by throwing a hand in the air, “Kaos gets another milkshake, on me!” She stood from her seat and loomed over the others with an air of grandeur that was ruined when she had to wait for Kaos to shuffle out of her seat to get past.

“Y-you really don’t need to…” said Kaos, shuffling regardless.

“Nonsense,” Tsubasa surprised her with a smile. “It’s an important achievement. Let her get you a milkshake.”

Ruki watched them with a hand on her cheek and a smirk on her lips. Kaos’ stuttering uncertainty was something she knew she ought to help with, maybe lending a comforting hand, but it was too precious to interrupt. When Kaos turned to her with a trembling lip she averted her eyes and tapped her fingers on the table, and Kaos whined.

Before Koyume could head to the counter, Kaos tugged on her sleeve. “I-if I get another drink we’ll be out longer, so we won’t be able to work as much today!” Kaos tried.

Koyume turned to her with a thumbs-up. “But this can be something for you to write about!”

Kaos frowned. “But when I wanted to write about making my first friends, you told me not to…”

“That’s because it was kind of sad,” Ruki piped up. Kaos pouted at her. “Getting milkshakes is just fun,” she continued.

Once Koyume had freed her sleeve from Kaos’ grip and darted away, Kaos reluctantly sat back down. The blonde girl returned with something big, pink and packed with sugar, and Kaos eyed it with a mixture of longing and trepidation.

It took some time and some encouragement from Koyume, but Kaos worked her way through her second milkshake like a tiny warrior taking down a colossus. The moment she was done, she stood from her seat spouting something about work, then sat right back down with an arm around her stomach. The groan she let out garnered a few concerned looks and the others insisted they stay seated a bit a longer.

Ruki almost felt bad for having gone along with Koyume’s decision as Kaos set her head on the table and moaned. The girl’s pastel hair draped on the table and nearly ended up in a spillage from Koyume’s drink, so Ruki told Kaos to sit up. She still smiled sympathetically at Kaos’ sorry expression. It was when Kaos looked ready to start drawing a picture in the spillage with a straw that Ruki decided they ought to head home.

Kaos stood lethargically despite her eagerness and her stomach made an upset noise. “I think I need the bathroom,” she whimpered.

“Do you know where it is?” asked Koyume.

A nod. “I’ll be alright,” Kaos said, and wandered away.

Ruki watched her go with concern on her face and sighed when she turned back to the table. She poked at the crumbs on her plate with her fork while Koyume chatted to Tsubasa, but when she glanced up, she found Tsubasa’s eyes fixed on her. Quickly looking away only made Ruki look more suspicious and once Koyume paused to breathe, Tsubasa asked, “Ruki, is everything alright? You seem off.”

The heat started to rise in her cheeks and Ruki knew she wasn’t getting out of this. Still, “Do I?” she asked, not making eye contact.

Surprisingly it was Koyume who followed up. “Yeah, you’ve looked kind of distracted since yesterday,” she said. “I didn’t wanna intrude, though,” she added sheepishly.

Ruki sighed again and looked up at them. Now was as good a time as any to stop keeping it to herself, now that Kaos was elsewhere. “I’ve just been worrying a bit, is all,” she replied.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tsubasa asked.

Ruki hesitated, then nodded. “I guess so. Thanks. It’s… a bit awkward to talk about.”

Koyume banished any hesitance and put her chin in her hands, saying, “You can tell us anything!” Next to her, Tsubasa glanced towards the bathrooms. No sign of Kaos.

“Well, it’s about what Kaos told us the other day… Not in a bad way, though! At least I don’t think,” Ruki said nervously. “So, it’s p-probably not subtle that I kind of like her…”

A pair of nods, stoic and enthusiastic.

“And I just, I’ve wanted to tell her for a while now,” Ruki continued. “Since I think she might like me back…”

“She does,” Koyume confirmed. Ruki’s face grew pink.

“R-right, so, I want to confess to her, but I’m just unsure after she came out,” Ruki continued.

Tsubasa looked surprised. “Does that change things for you?” she asked.

Ruki waved her hands emphatically. “No! Of course not! It’s just, I don’t want it to come across badly.” She took Koyume’s curious hum as a sign to continue. “Because I’ve spoken before about wanting a boyfriend, and while that’s not true anymore, I’m worried about what Kaos might think. I don’t know if asking her out so soon after she came out as trans would make it look like I see her as a boy,” Ruki explained. “And I don’t, but I just worry how it might look if I suddenly show interest now. So, I’m not sure what to do.”

She’d expected her friends to react with curiosity or distaste. Here she was, turning a huge moment for her friend into her own silly problem. Surely if she wasn’t brave enough to go ahead and confess, she didn’t deserve a relationship. Kaos certainly wouldn’t be the one to confess first – the girl was many admirable things, at least in Ruki’s eyes, but she’d surely want to wait for a confession from her more mature crush. The nonplussed looks on Koyume and Tsubasa’s faces caught Ruki off guard.

“That’s what was worrying you?” Koyume asked.

“W-well, yes…”

“Do you think Kaos would see it that way?” she continued. “She loves you, she’d never think of you like that.”

“I know…” Ruki said quietly. “But still. It’s like, which is stronger? Her, um… admiration for me, or her self-deprecation?”

She tried to continue but Tsubasa got there first. “Have some more faith in her,” she told Ruki. “You just need to say it right.”

“How do I say it ‘right’?” Ruki asked.

Tsubasa thought for a second. “Ask if she wants to be girlfriends,” she said. “Use that word, so she gets what you’re saying. I’m sure she’d be fine, and if she’s unsure, just tell her what you told us.” Koyume clenched her hands and nodded her agreement.

Their advice reached Ruki but found difficulty taking root. She liked to think she knew Kaos well, well enough to anticipate her crush’s self-deprecating worries. If there was anything for which she could rely on Kaos, it was her finding a way to fret and bring herself down. That was the opposite of what Ruki wanted.

 _But you didn’t know when she was dealing with that letter_ , she argued with herself. _You didn’t even know she’d been having those struggles she’s been writing about. You don’t know everything._

Maybe some other perspectives were good to have. Koyume shared a room with the girl and Tsubasa probably knew Kaos about as well as Ruki did, or maybe just slightly less. Kaos’ two other closest – almost only, she supposed – friends were saying that Ruki’s fears were, while perhaps not baseless, nothing to drag herself down over. It might do some good to listen.

“Maybe you’re right,” Ruki murmured. “It’s a risk though, right? If it goes wrong…”

“It won’t,” Koyume assured. “You’re someone Kaos would listen to before anyone else, if anyone can reassure her, it’s you.”

Ruki flustered. “Y-you’re her friends too, I’m not that special,” she said. She braced herself at Koyume’s tutting.

“We’re not the ones she makes puppy faces at,” Koyume teased, Tsubasa smiling along with her.

Ruki covered her mouth with a hand and looked away. “M-more of a kitten, really…”

“Anyway.” Tsubasa brought them back on track. “Just go for it, really. Explain this if you think it’s necessary, and ask her out. She’d never say no to you.”

Ruki had stopped paying much attention. Her face was glowing red. “Or a b-bunny…”

Tsubasa sighed and snapped her fingers in front of Ruki’s face, startling the girl back to reality.

“R-right! Sorry!” she stammered. “S-so, I mean, you think I should just do it? Shouldn’t I maybe wait longer, to be safe?”

Some exasperation crept into Tsubasa’s voice. “If you keep putting it off, you’ll just wear yourself down more, and then Kaos will notice and she’ll worry too. Strike while the iron is hot.”

At that last line, Koyume licked her lips and started to look anxious herself. Though she kept quiet, Ruki had a feeling the other girl was thinking hard on Tsubasa’s advice herself. Ruki wore an uncertain look, saying, “I don’t know… _Is_ the iron hot in this situation?”

“I don’t know,” Tsubasa deadpanned. “Is she?”

Koyume tittered as Ruki’s face flared red. “Wh-shut! Shut up!” Ruki stammered.

A flash of pink in the corner of her eye made Ruki turn. The others followed suit as Kaos walked back to the table, and it was silently agreed to cut the conversation there. Kaos still had her arms wrapped around her stomach, but she looked thankfully less tragic than she had before.

“Should we go, then?” Kaos asked as she drew near. She tilted her head when looking at Ruki and the other girl willed her blush away.

The three still seated grabbed their bags and stood, Ruki and Koyume brushing off their clothes. Koyume lamented a small caramel stain on her dress that she’d not noticed before and Tsubasa reassured her that it’d come out. If her own numerous ink stains hadn’t ruined her clothes, she said, then Koyume’s dress would be fine. While the other two chatted, Kaos walked alongside Ruki, looking a tad nervous herself. As the four of them made their way home, Ruki found herself having to try not to trip over Kaos’ feet, until the smaller girl eventually grew close enough to brush their shoulders together. Ruki startled and glanced down at Kaos, who looked up at her with a small, shy smile. After looking back at Koyume and Tsubasa, still caught up in their own conversation, a slightly red Ruki returned the smile with one of her own.


	6. Two by Two

No matter how much work there was to be done, school wouldn’t wait for anyone. The class shuffle had been merciful, at least, sorting the four of them into the same class this time. With her manuscripts not quite complete, Kaos had been tempted to bring them to school and pull the tried and tested hide-it-behind-a-textbook trick, but the others talked her out of it. As a rather unknown mangaka, she didn’t have to worry so much about classmates seeing her work, unlike Tsubasa, but she’d still get in trouble if caught. Not that such a thing would bother Kaos. The thought of a lecture from her attractive teacher brought a dreamlike look to her face and it took the combined efforts of her friends to snap her out of it.

Both Kaos and Koyume were restless in class. Kaos began doodling in the margins of her work, noting that even these doodles looked better than some of her old work, and Koyume’s eyes flickered to Tsubasa even more than usual. Ruki surprised herself by being the least distracted of the bunch – Tsubasa was busy napping – but then she’d always been the most focused on her work. She now understood where her reputation of being mature and diligent came from.

Her worries still stirred but she had gained a little confidence. As had Koyume, from the looks of things, as when the bell rang for lunch, the blonde girl stayed seated and called to Tsubasa.

“What is it?” Tsubasa replied.

Koyume toyed with a dog-eared corner of her textbook. “I, um, I-I could use some help with this question, if that’s okay,” she said. “I wanna do it now before I forget.”

Tsubasa hummed, “No worries.” She turned to Kaos and Ruki, saying, “You two can go on ahead, it shouldn’t take a moment.”

Somehow oblivious to her own fantasy playing out in front of her, Kaos replied, “That’s okay! We can help too.” Ruki cringed and looked to Koyume, who was staring at the pair of them intensely. Eyes wide and smile thin, she shook her head minutely.

Ruki put a hand on Kaos shoulder and guided her away. “Actually, I’m kind of hungry. Why don’t we go to the roof?” she said to Kaos. The smaller girl blinked innocently at her and Ruki’s head twitched in their friends’ direction, and Kaos got the hint.

As Ruki shut the door behind her, she heard Tsubasa telling Koyume, “You’ll need to open the textbook first,” and silently wished them good luck.

If she were a bit more self-centred, Ruki might have thought that Koyume was challenging her. Clearly Tsubasa’s advice had encouraged them both, as the advisor herself was about to find out, and Ruki wasn’t sure how to feel about being… outperformed? At the same time, Koyume’s crush had existed for longer than Ruki’s and it had only been a matter of time and confidence. If she was turning her friends’ love life into a commentary on her own, then she had it bad. Ruki needed to take her own step forward before this infatuation drove her mad.

“Do you think it’ll go well for them?” Kaos asked as they reached their usual spot on the rooftop. She took out her packed lunch and broke the disposable chopsticks apart.

Ruki smiled with confidence in their friends. The least she could do was to be happy for them, and she was, really. “I’m sure it will. It’s been a long time coming,” she replied. Opening up her own lunch, she gave it a once-over and her back went rigid.

Nestled in the middle of her rice was a piece of tamagoyaki, sliced in two and arranged in a heart. Ruki could see the housemother’s wink in her mind’s eye.

Packing her lunch with one of Kaos’ favourite foods, as though they were a married couple. Positively devious, yet unsubtly encouraging. Ruki felt Kaos’ eyes on her and spoke before the girl could ask what was wrong.

“Hey, Kaos,” she began. “I know what I said about being hungry,” – it was very much true – “but I’m actually kind of full from breakfast,” she lied. “Do you want my tamagoyaki?”

Kaos’ eyes lit up and Ruki internally congratulated herself. “Really? You’re sure you don’t want it?” Kaos asked.

“I’m sure. I know you like them.”

Ruki held the heart together between her chopsticks and held it up, making nervous eye contact with her crush. Kaos peered at it and said, “Oh, it’s already cut in half! We could have half each?”

Ruki’s fingers twitched and she nearly dropped it.

“It’s okay!” she replied. “Like I said, I’m not that hungry.” Ruki urged her stomach to stay quiet.

“Hmm…” Kaos tapped a finger on her cheek. _Why is it now that you’re suddenly oblivious?_ Ruki lamented to herself. “If you’re sure!” Kaos decided.

Heart beating ten to the dozen, Ruki held her chopsticks together so tightly she feared they’d snap. “O-okay!” she stuttered. “S-say, ‘ahh’.”

Kaos opened her mouth then clamped it shut again once Ruki made to feed her. “Wait!” she exclaimed. “I can’t eat the whole thing at once!”

“B-but…” Ruki eyed the heart shape then glanced between it and Kaos, hoping the other girl would get the picture.

No such luck. “The matron cut it up for you and your mouth is bigger than mine!” Kaos protested.

 _A bit rude_ , Ruki frowned. She weakly kept holding up the food and emphatically jerked it forward. “But the—”

“Do you not want to break the heart after the matron put the effort in?” Kaos smiled sympathetically. Ruki wanted dearly to scream.

“Well, I’ll give it a try, then,” Kaos relented. She closed her eyes and said ‘ahh’ and Ruki, having more or less given up on any hope of romance but clinging to the plan regardless, inched the tamagoyaki heart toward Kaos’ mouth.

So close to her face and with Kaos’ eyes shut, Ruki indulged herself in taking in Kaos’ features. The few wayward strands of hair poking out of her bangs took in the sunlight and shone pale pink. Her cheeks looked soft and faintly rosy; Ruki had to resist poking them. Her nose was cute as a button and twitched as the scent of tamagoyaki drew near. As it did, a thin line of drool ran down her lip, which was perhaps less angelically attractive but did draw Ruki’s attention to her lips, which was a bonus. One piece of tamagoyaki slid down as Ruki’s distracted grip loosened and she held it tighter to keep it in place. The heart wasn’t quite perfect now but Kaos had her eyes closed. She’d hardly mind.

“Hey!”

Koyume’s voice was far closer than Ruki had been expecting. She’d expected it to be two floors down in a near-empty classroom, still stammering out a confession. Ruki startled and the tamagoyaki slipped out of her chopsticks. Somehow thinking fast, Kaos pulled up her knees and caught both pieces in her lap, then looked up to see Koyume and Tsubasa, hand in hand.

“Hey!” Kaos returned. Ruki still had her chopsticks in the air and retracted them.

Tsubasa seemed about to speak but noticed the food on Kaos’ skirt. She peered at the two halves and mentally put them together like puzzle pieces. Looking at Ruki, holding her empty chopsticks and wearing a fallen face, Tsubasa had the decency to look bad.

“So, um!” Koyume began, blissfully unaware and just generally blissful, “Me and Tsubasa have some news!” At her words, Tsubasa wiped the guilt from her face and wore her usual stoicism, albeit with her lips curled upward in a small smile.

Ruki did her best to not sound too dry. “Pray tell,” she said.

Koyume stammered out something unintelligible and her cheeks turned red. She coughed into the hand not holding Tsubasa’s and tried again. “W-we, I, um, Tsubasa and I, we’re in a r-relationship now!” she managed proudly. Tsubasa simply smiled and nodded, squeezing her new girlfriend’s hand.

Pure joy crept up Kaos’ face. Her hands jerked up to her face as though to cup her cheeks adoringly, before deciding instead to start applauding. “Oh, I’m so happy for you both!” she exclaimed, then turned to Ruki. “Ruki you were right! Isn’t it wonderful?”

Tsubasa raised her eyebrows at Ruki. “You knew?”

Ruki rolled her eyes but still gave a smile. “You didn’t?”

“I think everybody knew, Tsubasa,” Kaos said with a grin. “I can’t believe you never noticed!” She seemed all too happy to apparently have some high ground for a change, and Ruki nearly scowled at the little pink hypocrite.

Koyume reluctantly let go of Tsubasa’s hand to eat and took great pleasure in feeding her new partner, who accepted with only a faint blush. The rest of their lunch break passed in a fairly normal fashion and the four returned to class, where Koyume hardly took her eyes off of Tsubasa and Tsubasa shot her girlfriend a few glances, too. Ruki’s heart warmed for her friends but her own gaze was fixed on Kaos, who sat doodling and sneaking looks at the new couple.

The lovestruck schoolgirl inside Ruki yearned to share those loving glances.

No matter what façade of maturity her peers may have viewed Ruki under, she wanted nothing more than to wrap herself and Kaos up in the many clichéd bouts of affection that bled through manga like Koyume’s. If only her poor heart could team up with her brain and make it happen.

Koyume and Tsubasa held hands walking home and Ruki’s hand inched ever closer to Kaos’, stopping so close. She pulled it back with as much subtlety as she could when Kaos turned to her and began chatting away about manga, clearly impatient to continue working once home. The housemother greeted them at the door and Ruki looked at her with a thankful but crestfallen face, and the housemother gave her a small, sympathetic smile.

True to her word, Kaos only stopped to change out of her uniform before she was glued to her tablet, sketching with a fervour most often seen in Tsubasa. It was a wonder that Koyume didn’t mistakenly try to hold her hand. In the room next door, Ruki had her face buried in the tummy of a plush rabbit. Tsubasa laid a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“It all went well for you, huh?” Ruki said, her voice muffled.

“It did. She’s a very sweet girl,” Tsubasa replied.

Ruki rolled over and looked up at her. “Did you let her know you’re nonbinary?” she asked.

Tsubasa nodded and stared off into space. “She didn’t have a problem with it, thankfully. Not that I thought she would. It didn’t really change anything for her.” Turning back to Ruki, she gave her a look that said ‘See? It’s not so hard’. Ruki sighed and rubbed her temple.

“I’m sorry if I don’t seem happy for you, I am, really.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Tsubasa. “You’ve your own maiden to fret for.”

“I’m not fretting. Am I?” Ruki fretted.

She felt a weight leave her bed as Tsubasa got up. “I do think you should try to confess soon,” Tsubasa said. “If only so you can focus on your work, the deadlines will creep up on you. That, and I’m concerned. I know me saying it’ll be fine won’t make your worries go away, but still. It’ll be fine.”

Ruki sat up and hugged her plushie. It felt like a poor replacement for Kaos. “I know somewhere inside me that it’ll be fine, but I’m just scared I’ll hurt her,” she said. “Kaos is so sweet, I can’t stand the thought of doing something wrong to her, or being bad for her, or _something_.”

“Koyume had similar doubts.”

Her grip on the plushie loosened. “Koyume did?”

“She feared she was out of my league, which is absurd,” Tsubasa explained. “And she didn’t want to distract me from my work. I’ll only work better now, though. We all need something other than just manga to keep our passion alive. She’s that, for me.” Ruki seemed enraptured as Tsubasa locked eyes with her. “Kaos could be that for you.”

“I’d like that…”

The fantasy of dating Kaos distracted Ruki long enough for her to not notice Tsubasa leave the room. She came to a few moments later, blinking in confusion and walking over to Kaos and Koyume’s room, where she found Tsubasa chatting with Koyume.

“Really?” Koyume gasped. “I’d love to! Is it too soon, though?”

“Not at all,” Tsubasa replied. “If we wait any longer it’ll be closed.”

“No, I mean—”

“You have to go!” Kaos’ voice butted in. Ruki felt silly for how her breath hitched. “Your first real date, fresh off your confession, so full of passion…” Kaos seemed about ready to faint. “It’ll be so romantic…”

Koyume’s cheeks were pink and her eyes sparkled, her doubts abandoned. “O-okay! Are you okay with my outfit, though?” she gave a little twirl and Ruki smiled in the doorway. “And my makeup? Should I do something special?”

“If I’m honest, I don’t know that I’d notice,” Tsubasa told her. “You’re always pretty.”

Clasping her hands and smiling so brightly, Koyume took Tsubasa by the hand and nearly dragged her to the door, hardly noticing Ruki stepping aside.

“We’ll let you know if we won’t be back for dinner!” she said on her way out.

“Have fun!” Kaos called after her, walking over and waving them off.

As Ruki turned to watch them, Tsubasa looked back and raised an encouraging fist, mouthing to Ruki, ‘Strike!’

They disappeared down the stairs and Ruki felt her heartbeat quicken, sensing Kaos’ presence behind her. She turned around and found the smaller girl looking up at her curiously.

“Did Tsubasa just call you straight?”

“Strike!” Ruki exclaimed unthinkingly. “Not straight! No!”

Kaos tilted her head, and then, “Oh, like in bowling! She must be happy.”

Ruki sighed, weary already. “Exactly like in bowling.”

Both girls sat down in Kaos and Koyume’s room, neither questioning why Ruki didn’t go back to her own. The two rooms had become more or less considered one larger room with a wall in the middle, the four mangaka spending as much time in each other’s rooms as they did in their own. With Koyume having finally confessed, she’d no doubt be in Tsubasa and Ruki’s room even more often now, and vice versa.

Should Ruki manage to get her words out during this perfect opportunity and make herself and Kaos an item, they might as well knock down the wall that split them.

There was no running to the housemother now. Tsubasa had been kind and clever enough to grant Ruki this chance, she had to seize it now and seal the deal. All she had to do was come up with a reasonable excuse to pry Kaos away from her work. Easier said than done.

Ruki knew not to take it personally as Kaos acted as though she was alone in the room, focusing her attention entirely on her work. They’d long since reached the point of comfortable silence, just existing together felt natural. There was no need for any forced conversation or formalities, and while they still often chatted as they worked, it was enough to just sit in the same room and go about their business. Still, the quiet gnawed at Ruki’s nerves. She worried again that she was being selfish, that she’d only be distracting Kaos from her work, and when the hardworking girl had finally found something to write so passionately about, too. The sensible part of her knew that Kaos would never mind her company and conversation, she might very well welcome it, and Ruki sensed that Kaos would be just as eager to be together, anyway. She was hardly one for narcissism but Kaos’ loving support had always spoken volumes.

Though her own manuscripts were back in her room, Ruki didn’t want to fetch them. She sat for several minutes on Kaos’ bed, stuck between hoping Kaos wouldn’t notice her awkwardness and wanting Kaos to do her a favour and give her a reason to chat. When Kaos finally glanced up from her screen for a drink of water, Ruki sort of got her wish. She didn’t notice at first when Kaos turned to her, having decided to stare at Kaos’ collection of figures rather than unnerve the other girl by staring at her, but her head whipped around when she heard her name.

“Y-yes?”

Kaos seemed nervous herself. “Um, do you want to help with my manga?” she asked.

Ruki tried not to let her excitement show. The effort of not just blurting out her feelings was getting to her, she felt like a balloon sitting next to a needle.

“Sure thing!” she said, walking over, the image of calmness. “Where should I start?”

She watched Kaos tap at her tablet then stand up and stretch. “I’ll print out some incomplete pages,” Kaos told her. “I’m not really used to asking for help, since my work is all on my tablet,” she admitted.

The printer hummed and spat out some half-finished manuscripts, with some characters sporting thick black outlines and others looking ghostly by comparison.

“I’m glad you kept your cute art style,” Ruki commented, grabbing a pen. It wasn’t hers but she figured she could use it just fine, it was Tsubasa who got impassioned about the pen choosing the artist. “The chibi characters suit you a lot. N-not because of your height!” she hastened to add. “Just your, um,” she coughed into her fist, “c-cuteness.”

When she looked up from her lap, Kaos was hiding her reddening face behind her tablet. Either that or she was trying to show Ruki something, with how the screen was pointed at her.

“T-thank you!” Kaos stammered. “Your art suits you, too! It’s so cool and mature…”

Ruki’s eyes widened and she similarly stammered, “Wh—I’m not—I’m not like that, though! It’s not like me!”

Kaos only giggled shyly and blushed somehow brighter. Ruki felt heat in her face and her neck and tried to compose herself. She shook her head and plastered on a mature, unfazed smile, turning to the page she’d been given.

“Well,” she said, pushing up her glasses, “I suppose I might be like that, someday. If I find the right girl.”

No sound came from Kaos. Ruki wasn’t really sure if she’d been meaning to flirt or tease in the first place, she just wanted some sort of reaction. She glanced aside and saw Kaos staring at her tablet uncomprehendingly, like her brain had gone offline. Worried that she’d broken her, Ruki hastily said, “I-I mean! That’d never happen though, so, um, nevermind!”

Something seemed to click in Kaos’ head and she looked up at Ruki’s panicked face. Her own face looked slightly confused. “Never?” she echoed. When Ruki didn’t respond, she returned to her tablet and kept drawing. “You’re so pretty, though…”

She said it almost casually, or at least trying to be casual. Maybe to Kaos, it was an ordinary thought, anyway. She’d made no attempts to hide her infatuation, if Ruki could be so brave as to call it that. Her love of a girl in glasses was worn on her sleeve, but even then, she always came back to Ruki, eager to keep giving affection to her in particular.

Receiving affection was another matter. Kaos seemed equally happy being doted on and scolded by Ruki, provided the scolding wasn’t harsh. It always made Ruki sigh – again, with affection.

Neither of them was subtle, though. Ruki’s own love of Kaos’ cuteness had made the pink girl fluster enough times already. Taking that affection and spinning it into something more was still an intimidating idea, no matter how openly they liked each other. Really, it should flow so naturally. A quick transition from friends to girlfriends, a kind and maybe somewhat awkward conversation to make things official. They were practically there. Ruki only had to put her confident mask back on and take the step, and not trip over her feet.

Progress was slow, both on whatever they had and Kaos’ manga. Neither of them could really concentrate anymore, they kept shooting shy glances each other’s way like a pair of Koyumes in class. After another half hour, Ruki’s own efforts were looking like Kaos’ attempt to help on the day she’d first moved in.

Ruki broadened her perspective. Progress… had been made. Maybe not much today, but over the year and change that they’d been together, Kaos’ skills had sharpened. Not only that, but she’d grown more open and honest and Ruki had learned to accept her own feelings, too. This nervous quiet was far from ideal but back then, it would have been filled with Kaos’ self-deprecating worries. Progress had been made, and Ruki owed it to the both of them to keep making it.

“Kaos, can I see what you’ve done?”

The smaller girl jumped and spun her screen around. “Y-yes!” she said. Kaos kept staring at the back of her tablet like she could see the page through it as Ruki walked over. Ruki made no such effort to avoid eye contact.

Their shoulders brushed together when Ruki sat down. Ruki held one side of the tablet and Kaos, the other. Scrolling through the pages and taking in the little details, Ruki smiled sadly at the protagonist’s worries and with relief at her moments of reassurance. Protectiveness was a feeling she’d long harboured around Kaos but reading her manga only made it stronger. Ruki hoped she’d be able to do even more to help Kaos with these struggles, starting with her sense of self-worth.

 _She’s always been nervous around boys,_ the monochrome girl worried. It was less nervousness, Ruki argued silently, more a lack of real interest and the fear that such a thing brought. Not so long ago, she’d felt afraid of her disinterest in boys. The nebulous idea of romance was something she’d longed for, quite obsessively at times, but no boy had ever caught her eye. On its own, that disinterest marked her as something unusual, and that was without examining what genuinely interested her.

She was doing it again. Taking what Kaos had made and spinning it into her own old worries. Guilt set in and Ruki held the tablet tighter. Loving Kaos had brought her out of that fear, she didn’t have to think about it now. Kaos’ black and white reflection expressed the pink girl’s fears, Ruki ought to focus on that. Only then could she try to help.

_Would she still hug me if she knew?_

Ruki put down the tablet and pulled Kaos into her arms.

“R-Ruki?”

“Say, Kaos.” She knew she was putting it off, even now. But a small curiosity had taken her as she’d read. “Have you given your manga a name yet?”

Kaos shook her head, Ruki could feel her fluffy pink hair brush her neck. “Not yet,” she said. “I was actually… thinking of maybe asking Tsugumi what she’d want it to be named.”

Ruki’s hold loosened.

“Tsugumi… your friend?”

“W-well, I don’t know if we’re _friends_. But since this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for her letter, I kinda want to see what name she’d choose. I’ll still think of a name myself though, in case Amisawa doesn’t like that idea.” Kaos was relaxing into the hug. “Maybe it’s lazy anyway…”

“No, it’s sweet.” Ruki’s voice grew muffled in Kaos’ shoulder. “Your friends… it’s me, Koyume, Tsubasa and Fuura, right? Am I forgetting anyone?”

Kaos laughed, a little embarrassed. “No, that’s everyone. I might count Amisawa, but I don’t know if she’d count herself, so just four… Oh, I’m not complaining though!”

“I want it to be three.”

The weight in Ruki’s arms stilled. “Huh?”

Ruki pulled back and watched Kaos’ face. Wide, pink eyes, slightly parted lips. She didn’t look concerned, only confused. “I want to be girlfriends, instead,” Ruki said. “Please?”

Neither of them noticed the housemother take one step into the room, snacks in hand, then pause and take it right back out again. They did notice when Nyaos brushed up against Kaos’ slipper and meowed for their attention.

Ruki looked down at the cat and laughed a little shyly. “I’m sorry—”

“Why?”

Nyaos was still pawing at them when Ruki looked back up, her expression awkward.

“W-well, I just—”

“Why do you want that?”

When Kaos tried to pull back out of Ruki’s arms, Ruki worried she was making her uncomfortable. Then she saw how Kaos’ face had changed and thought harder and better.

“Because I really like you,” she said. Almost there. She kept Kaos in her arms.

Kaos looked back at her screen. “But I’m not really—”

“No.”

“But—"

“N—”

Ruki paused as Kaos turned back to her. She deflated slightly at the girl’s doubtful eyes but nodded. Kaos probably needed to get this out.

“I’m not really worth that,” Kaos said softly. “You should have someone better. Most girls are better than me.”

“I can’t think of any.”

“But it’ll just make things hard for you,” Kaos pressed on. “Wouldn’t it be easier to have an ordinary girl?”

“Kaos. I can hardly focus on my work, I like you so much. This would only make things easier for me, trust me,” Ruki told her.

“Y-you shouldn’t feel obligated…”

A squeak left her lips when Ruki cupped her face. Ruki took a deep breath for her nerves and leaned forward. Three tiny kisses, feather-light, first on Kaos’ forehead, then the bridge and the tip of her nose.

“You. Are. Wonderful.”

They froze like that, hearts racing for a few quiet seconds. Nyaos got the picture, giving up and curling up by their feet. Some of that feeling Ruki never wanted to see left Kaos’ face as she giggled and whispered, “I’m not sure…”

“I’ll say it again. I will,” Ruki said sternly, even as a smile crept up on her.

“Noooo!” Kaos whined, pressing her red face into Ruki’s neck. The vibration ticked Ruki and she shook with Kaos in her arms.

Neither of them said anything more for a good minute while Ruki’s fingers threaded lazily through Kaos’ hair. If the thrill of what she’d done hadn’t been so electrifying, Ruki might have fallen asleep holding her… her…

“Do…” Ruki began. “Do you like me back?”

Kaos pulled back with a jolt, her hands on Ruki’s shoulders, and squeaked out, “Ye—” before lowering her voice. “Yes! I lo—"

Ruki would have been amused by how she kept stopping and starting, but her cheeks were turning red again. “’Lo’?” she echoed. “Do you want to do that now?”

“Is it too early?” Kaos asked, shrinking in on herself.

As shy as though she was the one saying it, Ruki replied, “Not if… you want to.”

“Then, then, I l-l-love you. Um.”

Ruki had brought her hands to her face and peeked out at Kaos between her fingers. The tips of her ears were pink. “I d-do too,” she stammered, “I… just, I need to… y’know. I’ll tell you soon, I will.”

It certainly didn’t seem like Kaos minded. She drummed her fingers on her legs, looking like she was sorely missing the hug. Though less doubtful now, she still asked, “You’re sure you don’t mind? You want to be with a girl like me?”

“I’m sure,” Ruki said resolutely. “You’re not some lesser girl, Kaos. You’re my—my girl… friend. My girlfriend,” she repeated.

Kaos had done a commendable job for the past few minutes but the dam still went and burst. Relieved tears welled up and streamed out; she wiped at her eyes and cheeks with the backs of her hands and managed to get drops on her tablet screen. Ruki reached out and brushed more away, and Kaos leaned into her touch.

“I’m—I’m glad,” Kaos hiccupped, “I’m g-glad I held it in. I’m glad you didn’t kiss me when my eyes were all puffy.”

Despite herself, Ruki laughed. “I don’t care about that. I’ll do it again,” she told her. “Just you watch. If you’re okay with that, I mean.”

The tearful girl’s words were happily forgotten as she nodded and squeezed her eyes shut. Now that she was thinking a bit more, rather than going off on an impulse, Ruki began to feel more nervous about what she was about to do. She hesitated a few seconds and just watched Kaos’ face. It was tense, eyes shut tight, but as the seconds rolled on, her eyes relaxed and she began to look ready. Ruki closed her own and put a hand on Kaos’ shoulder, fingertips brushing her hair. Their lips met before she knew it, she hardly remembered leaning in, and it was… slightly salty, with the tears. Even after they pulled away, the twin feelings of her racing heart and tingling lips were all that Ruki felt.

Kaos was the first to speak. “Was it okay?” she asked nervously. She was pressing her lips together minutely, over and over like a goldfish.

“Do you have lip gloss on?” Ruki asked instead.

Kaos blinked and nodded. “It’s um, strawberry. Koyume gave it to me.”

Ruki grinned with now-glossy lips. “With that and the tears, you were sweet and salty.”

If Kaos had a deadline, she might have panicked later on when the two finally realised how much time they’d spent not working. As it was, they realised and shrugged it off. Neither of them would get more work done today, it had been one distraction replaced by another. The pages were almost finished and Ruki assured her that Amisawa wouldn’t mind the wait when she saw the manga’s quality.

Kaos slipped away at one point to tell the housemother all about it in excited tones, and Ririka took out some cakes from the cupboard. She’d been keeping them for a day or two, she said, waiting for this to happen, and she left the two alone to eat together. Kaos and Ruki wouldn’t have called it a date; regardless of any logistics they both wanted their first to be something more planned. They’d ask the others about where they’d gone once they got back, the two decided. Koyume would want a double date, doubtlessly, maybe not for their first but certainly soon.

Ruki imagined the housemother would still refuse to let them knock down the wall between rooms, but small losses came with every good win.


	7. Euphoria Girl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7 chapters, 7 Kaos emeralds

Mountains of rejected manuscripts, plenty burned by now, had given Kaos some immunity to her editor’s harsh words. She didn’t think Amisawa would react badly to her being trans anyway – it seemed like she and the housemother were on good terms so she might even know all about it – but over a year of criticism had made Kaos confident that she could handle whatever Amisawa might say.

Ruki still tagged along for moral support. She couldn’t intrude on the meeting but she could wait outside, ready to comfort Kaos after whatever ended up happening. If Amisawa somehow disliked the manga, Ruki would dry Kaos’ tears. If she loved it and gave Kaos the praise she deserved, Ruki would again dry Kaos’ tears.

Extra muscle was also a must, even if Ruki couldn’t offer much in that regard. Tsubasa had deadlines of her own and Koyume was loath to leave her side, so it fell to Ruki to help carry Kaos’ multiple manuscripts. Amisawa had always stressed the importance of a strong debut so Kaos would be delivering both quality and quantity.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” Kaos asked on the way there. “I don’t want to distract you from your work.”

Ruki squeezed Kaos’ arm reassuringly. They couldn’t hold hands with both of Kaos’ occupied so Ruki was holding her arm instead. It must have looked like she was preventing Kaos from running away, not that Kaos would ever do such a thing. Showing her work to Amisawa was the one thing Kaos was always determined to do.

“It’s fine, don’t worry. I’m a bit ahead anyway,” Ruki said. She was glad that Tsubasa and Koyume were together. If it wasn’t for their date, Tsubasa would likely be ahead too, and then Ruki and Kaos might not have gotten this alone time. Going to see Kaos’ editor was hardly a date or anything, but the hopeless romantic inside of Ruki cherished any moments that were just for them.

Despite how heavy her manuscripts were, at least for someone of her build, Kaos walked quickly and they were there in no time. They stopped for breath in the lobby and Ruki turned to her. “Alright, do you remember what we talked about?”

Kaos nodded. “If anything goes wrong, I’ll come to you,” she said.

“And where will I be?”

“Just outside the office. I’m sure she’ll be okay with it, though!”

Ruki looked stern. “Your editor has made you cry before. I’m not taking any chances.”

When her protectiveness kicked in to high gear, Ruki seemed to swap traits with Kaos. She inherited Kaos’ worries, talking about everything that could go wrong, while Kaos embarrassedly told her it’d be fine. Naturally Ruki didn’t want Kaos to worry but she couldn’t help getting like this, and it seemed to help, anyway. Left to her own devices, Kaos would fret about every little thing, but when Ruki expressed those same concerns, Kaos suddenly grew a level head and reassured her. It was an odd way of boosting her confidence, but it worked.

Amisawa greeted them outside her office, seeming curious to find out what Kaos had been working on for so long. Ruki met her eyes and gave her a curt nod.

“Is this one of your friends, Kaos?” Amisawa asked.

Kaos smiled in response and looked at Ruki. “Yes! Well, she’s actually my gir—”

“K—!"

Any stoicism on Ruki’s face had vanished behind a blush and Kaos just about caught herself. “S-she’s my friend, yes!” Kaos amended.

The two of them watched Amisawa nervously but the editor only looked bemused. “I’m hardly going to judge you, you know,” she said with a small smile. Turning to Ruki she said, “Do you mind waiting here until Kaos and I are done?”

Most of the fight had left Ruki, replaced by shyness that she couldn’t blame on the editor. She didn’t meet Amisawa’s eyes, mumbling “That’s okay,” at her shoes. Trying not to look too much like a misbehaving student told to stand outside class, Ruki watched Kaos follow Amisawa into the office, the smaller girl giving her a wave as she went.

Kaos set the manuscripts down with a soft _whump_ and sat almost confidently in her seat. Under the table, her leg started to bounce and she told herself to ignore it. Amisawa’s usual strictness looked to be absent for now, out of either anticipation or concern, Kaos wasn’t sure.

“Alright then, I’ve been wondering what kept you from seeing me. I was thinking of giving you a call before you called me yourself,” Amisawa began. “I’m glad to see you were just hard at work,” she said, eyeing the number of manuscripts, “that’s a whole lot better than the alternative.”

“What alternative?” Kaos tilted her head.

Amisawa hesitated. “That you might have given up. It’s unlike you to go so long without bringing me something, so I started to worry.”

Ah, Kaos hadn’t considered that. “I’m so sorry!” she blurted. “I just wanted to bring you something good, so I worked harder on it…”

“That’s good,” Amisawa reassured her. “I’d rather look at something you spent time on than something you’ve hardly started. It was just surprising.” She elected not to mention that she’d begun to miss Kaos’ visits. Though it pained her to tear the girl’s work down time after time, seeing Kaos’ granular progress and endless drive was nice in its own way.

“Anyway. Why don’t I take a look?”

Amisawa reached for the closest manuscript but Kaos’ hand was faster. She held onto the page, careful not to crease it, and Amisawa’s hand flinched back.

“Kaos?”

“Um!” Kaos stammered and relaxed her hand slightly. “I-if it’s okay, can I pitch it to you first?”

Raising an eyebrow, Amisawa said, “This is new. I suppose, if you’d like?”

The departure from the norm was already making Kaos nervous, but then the norm had tended to be failure. Ruki had suggested that she try pitching her manga first to give her editor an idea of where she was coming from, and to answer any awkward questions before Amisawa could ask them. Feeling more in control of the situation might give her confidence, Ruki had said, and then Amisawa could read her work without having to question what was going on. Kaos worried that needing a primer to get the reader on board might mean that the manga was inaccessible as it was, but then she was creating something of a niche product. Most readers would only pick it up if they already knew what they were in for.

“So, when I first got published, you said it was the most you’d seen of me in my work,” Kaos began nervously. Amisawa nodded. “Well, I got… inspired to try and put more of my experiences into it. T-things that usually aren’t written about. I wanted to make something that could be reassuring for—for trans girls, like me.”

She hadn’t meant to come out and say it just yet, but then she felt there wasn’t that much to pitch. The work spoke for itself, all it needed was a touch of context, and Kaos felt that she might flounder if she kept on talking, anyway.

Surprisingly, Amisawa’s small, professional smile had turned into something bright. With an eagerness to her voice, she asked, “Have you shown this to your housemother?”

“The matron? I… I haven’t yet, actually,” Kaos realised. “She did help me to think of the idea, but I haven’t actually shown her this yet.”

“You should!” Amisawa urged. Realising how lively she’d gotten, Amisawa paused and cleared her throat. “I mean, it does sound interesting, Kaos. Writing about your own experiences again is a smart idea, and the change of focus should stop it from feeling like a re-hash. Of course, I’ve not read it yet,” she said.

Kaos was relieved by how well her editor was reacting. “R-right! Thank you!” she replied.

“Does it have a name?” Amisawa asked.

A name was in fact written at the top of each page, but only in plain text. Kaos’ manga lacked a proper logo. “Well, I was thinking…” Kaos said nervously, “This idea came from a letter from a f-fan.” She tried not to feel disheartened by the open surprise on Amisawa’s face. “She told me that she liked to imagine herself in my manga, like it was an escape. This wouldn’t have happened without that letter, so I was thinking of asking her what she’d like this to be named? If that’s okay…”

Amisawa frowned in thought and Kaos figured she knew what the answer would be. “Hm, while that is a kind idea, I’m not completely sure on it. I think leaving something as important as the name to a fan could be risky, it’s a kind gesture but she’s not a professional.”

 _I’m hardly a professional_ , Kaos sighed inwardly.

“I’d recommend you make the title yourself,” Amisawa continued. “Maybe she could name a chapter, or a side character?”

Kaos nodded. “Okay. I did think of a name myself, just in case.” She slid the first page over to her editor. In small print above the top-right panel, a placeholder name was written.

“ _Euphoria Girl_ ,” Amisawa read out. “I like that. That should help it stand out to your target audience.”

“T-thank you.”

“Now, let’s see…” Amisawa began to read. Kaos was torn between watching Amisawa’s face and staring down at her twiddling thumbs. It was all going well, oddly enough, but that was only the premise. She hoped Amisawa wasn’t going easy on her until now out of sympathy or something. If her writing was subpar or her art wasn’t up to snuff, her hard work would have been for nothing.

Curiosity won out over nerves and Kaos watched her editor’s expressions. For the most part, it was hardly useful. Amisawa kept a fairly straight face, perhaps embarrassed by her earlier outburst, only nodding now and then. Behind the manuscript she wore a small smile, something laced with nostalgia, but Kaos couldn’t see that.

The first page showed the protagonist’s swimsuit blues. It was something simple that anybody could understand, and the subtlety with which the girl’s identity was coded meant that a wider audience could relate to the struggle. Amisawa beat back similar memories as she read. She could still remember her own nervousness at being seen at the pool, and that had been nothing next to Ririka’s trepidation. Miharu had been the only one confident in her beach body back then.

“Your writing is on point,” she told Kaos, who lit up in surprise. “Writing from the heart is evidently your strong suit, your feelings come through clearly. It’s helped by your simpler art style, too. It lends some levity to the situations you’re depicting.”

“Y-you think so?”

“I do,” Amisawa said firmly. “And being in black and white helps make it seem like a memory. Of course, your readers might not know this is pulled from your own memories so that effect might be lost on them, but it’s interesting.” She swapped the page for another and gave similar praise, this time also noting the developing relationships between the characters. “It seems like the main girl is the focus, but you’ve given the others some depth too, which is good,” she said.

It continued for some time, the editor’s interest not waning. Eventually realising that their meeting would run over if she read them all now, Amisawa told Kaos that she’d take them home to finish reading.

“There are a few things I’d like to talk about before we finish up,” Amisawa said. Kaos began to worry that there would be a caveat to her praise, but a voice like Ruki’s at the front of her mind told her to not jump to conclusions.

“Now, I’m sure you realise that you’re writing for a niche subgenre here.”

Kaos nodded. She’d never been driven by a desire for fame and fortune, but even then she knew that something like this would be small and risky. That Amisawa hadn’t rejected it on that basis alone proved the editor’s faith in Kaos.

“While these kinds of stories have grown more popular over time, they’re still not exactly mainstream. I’ll do whatever I can to get this published, provided the rest of it is as strong as what I’ve read here, but it might be an uphill struggle. I feel I should make you aware of that,” Amisawa explained.

Additional adversity was the last thing Kaos needed when she’d been struggling to get even simple manga published. It would be worth it, though. If she got to be spared from a lot of what others like Tsugumi had to go through, she’d take this on instead. A slightly harsher struggle to get her work out there was worth it if it meant helping to ease the struggles of other girls.

She told Amisawa as much in as strong a voice as she could muster, and her editor gave her a proud smile. “That’s good to hear,” Amisawa said. “Secondly, I want to just discuss how things may be going forward if this does get published. Especially if it ends up serialised.”

That last word had Kaos’ undivided attention. Getting a manga like this serialised would mean she could spread that vicarious happiness that Tsugumi spoke of to more and more people, over a stretch of time. She hadn’t even really considered it, too caught up in the process of creating the manga to give a lot of thought to other factors.

“You think it could be serialised?” Kaos breathed.

Amisawa didn’t nod, but she said, “It’s a possibility, and I’d like to make it happen. Again, it would be tough, tougher than just getting these published,” she gestured to the manuscripts stacked in front of her, “but that’s not the struggle I want to talk to you about.”

Kaos looked at her curiously.

“Kaos, this is a story based on your own bad experiences, for the most part. Yes, it’s about relief, but before that there are problems. Is that a fair assessment?” Amisawa asked.

A slow nod.

“Now, I find it admirable that you’re being so open in this. It makes for good writing and it’s clear you’re passionate about it.” Amisawa paused. “The thing is, getting this serialised would mean you having to think about those experiences a lot. I know you can be… sensitive to criticism from others,” she said carefully. “But you’re rather hard on yourself. I don’t want you to end up hurting yourself by reliving those negative experiences too much.”

Her concerns were met with some dismissal. Kaos said, “It’s okay! I’ve got my friends to cheer me up, and it’s not that hard anyway. Other girls have it much worse.”

Amisawa shook her head. “That’s what I’m concerned about. It’s good that you want to make something uplifting, but I don’t want you suffering for your art. No more than you need to, anyway. I’m worried that you’ll push yourself too hard because you don’t afford yourself the same kindness you’re giving out.”

Kaos began to feel _very_ understood as her editor went on.

“If you let it get bad, you could easily burn out. It’d hurt you emotionally and stop you from being able to work. I’m not trying to scare you or anything, but just… please make sure you speak to me if it starts to get rough. If you get serialised in the first place,” Amisawa finished.

There were tears welling up in Kaos’ eyes by the time her editor was done. She startled Amisawa by standing from her chair and approaching with a watery cry.

“Amisawaaa!” Kaos sobbed. “Y-you’re, you’re so… you’re so nice!”

Though she tried for a hug, Amisawa stopped her in her tracks. The editor put a hand on Kaos’ forehead to maintain some distance and spoke quickly. “I-I’m not! I just don’t want you burning out, you can’t work properly like that. Please take your seat, Kaos.”

Still sniffling and careful not to cry on her pages, Kaos sat. “I’m s-sorry, I just—”

“It’s fine,” Amisawa interrupted. “Do you understand what I’m getting at?”

Kaos rubbed her tears away. “Yes. I’ll talk to you if it gets tough, I promise,” she said.

“That’s good,” sighed her editor. “Alright. Now, unless there’s anything else, I have a lot of reading to do. And you have a girlfriend who’s been waiting long enough.”

Grinning through her blush, Kaos replied, “Right!”

The end of their meeting had been sobering enough, without being disheartening, that Kaos walked out happy but not tearfully so. Ruki had been expecting waterworks no matter what happened so the sight of a calmly content Kaos threw her off at first. Kaos explained everything during the walk home, with the two of them holding hands now that the manga was Amisawa’s problem.

Ruki agreed with Amisawa’s concerns, though admitted that she hadn’t really considered them up until now. Whether that was due to being so caught up in other worries, or simply because she believed strongly in her and the others’ ability to help Kaos, she wasn’t sure. Either way, she assured Kaos that she would do her best to provide enough levity for Kaos to write about in between the panels about dealing with dysphoria. She didn’t immediately take to Kaos’ suggestion of a comic about the start of their relationship, but came around when Kaos said she’d fudge a few details and make it something new.

It was when Ruki stopped to examine the fact that her relationship with Kaos made her shy while her vague fantasies of dating a boy had never made her feel much of anything, that she realised she was very much in love.

With Kaos’ work finished for now and Ruki ahead of schedule, the two let themselves stop at a café on the way back to the dorm. Only something small, as Kaos had eaten a larger breakfast than usual to prepare her for the day. They chose each other’s dishes and took delight in doing so. For Ruki, a slice of apple pie with a purple blueberry crust; for Kaos, a handful of pink and red macarons.

They considered bringing something back for Koyume and Tsubasa but as small as they were, the things they’d bought already had been pricey. Koyume’s end of their bedroom was almost a café in itself, anyway.

The others were still surprisingly hard at work when Kaos and Ruki got back. Ruki knocked before entering just in case, but Tsubasa and even Koyume seemed to only have eyes for their work. While Koyume had been helping with Tsubasa’s manuscript when they’d gone out, now she was working on her own.

“You two look focused,” Ruki commented over Tsubasa’s shoulder. Shrouded in her cape, Tsubasa didn’t glance up, busy rendering the slash of an oversized sword.

“Deadlines approach,” she said bluntly. “And we were inspired.”

Kneeling by Koyume, Kaos echoed, “Inspired?”

Koyume put down her pen and popped a sweet in her mouth. “We thought we’d try putting ourselves in our work, too!” she said.

At a glance, Koyume’s manuscript looked about the same as usual. It was well-polished, showing a clear passion, but the characters still looked like Tsubasa and a girl that could easily be Koyume with a different hairstyle. Then again, Koyume had always tended to make her manga’s love interests resemble Tsubasa, even if only subconsciously.

Answering Kaos’ unspoken question, Koyume said, “I made the new love interest nonbinary, like Tsubasa! It doesn’t really change the story much, but the girl who likes her is a bit confused about liking someone other than a boy, at first.”

Kaos looked delighted. “That’s so cute!” she said. “You must be brave to write about your own love life.”

 _Hasn’t she been doing that already?_ Ruki thought. _All of her dream boys looked like Tsubasa_.

Koyume flustered a bit and waved her hands. “It’s not my love life! It’s just inspired by it!” she exclaimed.

“But the love interest looks exactly like Tsubasa. And the girl’s, um, figure looks like yours,” Ruki commented, kneeling next to them.

“I-it doesn’t look _exactly_ like Tsubasa,” Koyume insisted.

“What’s this about Tsubasa?” asked Tsubasa, coming to join them.

Ruki pointed to a panel. “This. It’s you,” she said.

Tsubasa squinted her one visible eye. Half of her long cape was still draped over her chair. “No, that’s not me. Where is her eyepatch?” she said.

“Take off your eyepatch.”

Tsubasa did so.

“Now?” Ruki pressed.

Both eyes squinted. “Hmm. There is some resemblance,” Tsubasa said.

Koyume shyly squished her own cheeks. “It’s not _literally_ you though, is it?”

She got a pat on the head for her efforts. Being the only one not kneeling gave Tsubasa a sense of very mundane grandeur. “I don’t mind if you put me in your work,” she told Koyume. “Just make me look cool.”

Kaos had gotten up and walked over to Tsubasa’s desk, ducking under the suspended cape. “What did you do in your manga, Tsubasa?” she asked.

“Something similar,” Tsubasa replied. “I made the hero’s new ally nonbinary. It’s not overly relevant to defeating the Abyssal Witch, but it’s there.”

Knowing that her own self-expression had brought about this confidence in her friends gave Kaos a warm feeling in her tummy. She didn’t quite want to take credit, but the idea that she was able to improve her friends’ work as they had helped improve hers was a pleasant one. On a whim, she turned to Ruki.

“Do you want to put yourself in your story, too?”

It took a moment for Ruki to process her question but when she did, her face turned scarlet.

“Wh—I can’t—I could never, I’m not… I’m not ready for that yet!” she stuttered out. “I can’t do—just the—someone like me? I can’t!”

Having realised what she’d said, Kaos similarly blushed. “T-that’s okay! You don’t have to!” she assured Ruki. The image of what such a manga might look like tried to creep into her head and Kaos fiercely pushed it away.

While the others were hard at work and full of inspiration, Kaos and Ruki had something else to create. More so Kaos with Ruki’s support, as left on her own, the smaller girl wasn’t sure she’d know what to write.

An open red envelope sat on Kaos’ desk. _Mom_ was written in Kaos’ simple handwriting, though her mother would know to give it to Tsugumi. Kaos had called her mother to let her know that a reply was on the way. It did feel slightly strange writing on a sheet of lined paper rather than a tablet, at least outside of school. Signing off with a cute doodle might be a challenge – she was so used to her screen.

“So, your editor said she could name a chapter?” Ruki asked.

Kaos nodded. “Or a side character, or something. If she wants to, anyway, she might not.”

Ruki raised an eyebrow. “Oh, she will. I can’t imagine turning down an offer like that from my favourite writer.”

“W-who says I’m her favourite?” Kaos stammered, turning shy. “Um, who _is_ your favourite writer, anyway?”

An opportunity arose and Ruki took it. “Aside from you?”

Stuttering more, Kaos clarified, “Aside from m-me…”

Ruki pondered with a finger on her chin. There were a handful to choose from, she didn’t have a clear-cut favourite. “Maybe Cotton Bunny ☆ Kasane?” she murmured.

She met Kaos’ blank stare with a pout. “Don’t look so surprised!”

Writing the letter was an exercise in being concise. There were countless things Kaos wanted to include: the offer of naming a piece of the story, the exclusive announcement of the story itself, reassurance and empathy for Tsugumi’s own struggles, and a hundred ways of saying thank you. Ruki took on Amisawa’s role, editing the letter down to something suitable. She put on her best stern voice because she knew Kaos loved it, even if it hindered her focus.

It was just before dinner time when they were finally done. They were called by the housemother right as Kaos finished the little doodle of Nyaos next to her signature, and the ink began to dry as she ate with the others.

_Dear Tsugumi,_

_Thank you so much for your letter, I apologise for not replying sooner._

_I created Comic Girls when I had run out of other ideas and somehow it turned out to be my first good piece of work. My editor told me that it was because I put myself in it, not literally, but I wrote from the heart. I’m not very good at writing about other people because I don’t know many other people, though making friends has started to help with that. Your enjoyment of Comic Girls taught me that maybe I should continue using the one skill I have and make something similar. Then you inspired me again._

_At first, I didn’t understand why you were appreciating me. The realization that you had such a hard time transitioning made me feel guilty for how lucky I was, I thought you should hate me for having what I have. It still upsets me that not everyone can live as who they are, but I realised that I could use my luck to try and help. You said you liked my manga because it let you experience things vicariously. My new project is going to be a little different than that, but I hope you will still enjoy it._

_It’s going to be called Euphoria Girl. It’s similar to Comic Girls but focuses more on what it can be like to be trans, how that makes life harder and how we can try to overcome those problems. It’s also about good things that can happen when you’re trans, not just the bad. I really hope that this manga can help you and other trans girls feel lighter when dysphoria gets you down. I feel like it’s the least I can do._

_I was actually going to ask if you would like to name it, but my editor suggested I do that myself. Instead, would you like to name a chapter or a character or something? Please let me know if you’re interested!_

_Also, I asked my mom if there was any way she could help you. She said she could try to help with your transition, and maybe help talk to your parents about it if that’s okay with you. You shouldn’t have to struggle alone, I think._

_Without you, I would have never had the courage to come out to my friends and make something like Euphoria Girl. This is the proudest I’ve felt of my work, since most of it before was terrible. I can’t thank you enough for your support and I hope that my next project will bring you joy._

_Yours,_

_Kaos,_

_and Nyaos_


End file.
